Prepare for a hearty laugh, because what you are about to see is perhaps one of the most preposterous sights of all time: this man has a mustache.
Hah! The person before us is surely not a man, but rather a jester at whom we may point and giggle to our hearts’ content!
For reasons known only to God, this man has made the absurd decision to shape his facial hair into a delicate line above his upper lip, leaving the remainder of his face completely clean-shaven like that of a young boy. His mustache, which sits like a pitiful garland adorning his mouth, is a dull brown color. The way it stretches laterally across his face is shocking, uncanny, simply unnatural — what could possibly have led him to create this foolish display upon his unfortunate countenance?
How laughable must this man have looked as he carefully shaved around his mustache in the mirror, clipping it until the strange monstrosity hung just right beneath his nose like a hairy portrait on display in the world’s stupidest art museum? Just ridiculous!
This man had plenty of choices as to what he could have done with the hair growing on his face. A full-face shave, a respectable beard—even a goatee would have been a less ludicrous option than his choice to cultivate this insane, 3-inch-long strip of hair that moves each time he speaks! He is like a Dr. Seuss cartoon come to life with the insane bristle brush he has chosen to grow upon his face. Surely he must not be able to utter a word without provoking derisive laughter from all those around him, because he simply looks like a clown!
How could anyone take a silly man like this one seriously?
He had his chance at being a normal, upright member of society, but this man threw it all away, Instead, he has opted to become a contemptible fool who must purchase a preposterous little brush that he now uses to get crumbs out of his mustache at the end of the day. The way he looks as he gingerly brushes at his mustache to clean it up each night before bed is nothing short of shocking. His enormous grin underneath the mustache is evidence that he thinks that what he has done to his facial hair is appropriate, even attractive, but his belief could not be farther from the truth—in fact, he has cast himself out from polite society, and made of himself an utter laughingstock. Adults and children alike must shake their heads in pity at him as he walks down the street, proudly showing off his mustache like a total buffoon.
How sad! This man is truly ridiculous as they come. Shave your face, sir!