Mankind has searched for ways to live longer—and possibly even forever—since we became aware of our own finality, but so far, we’ve remained doomed to eventually shuffle off this mortal coil. All that is about to change, however, as a major leap towards immortality has just been announced: Chrysler just introduced a self-driving car that will keep driving your corpse around like nothing ever happened for years after you die.
Amazing. The first steps towards living forever have been taken!
Chrysler unveiled their new model, the Chrysler Forevica, at an auto trade show this morning, and this thing is absolutely loaded with features that will keep you on the road long after you’ve died. Advanced self-driving capability and AI technology ensure that you’ll still be able to drive to and from work, pick your kids up from school, take cross-country road trips, and go to the store safely well after rigor mortis and decay have set in. Using the driver seat’s built-in heart rate sensor, the Forevica will instantly detect that you’ve died, crank the AC to keep your body as preserved as possible, and continue driving the routes that its computer learning model gleaned from your driving habits while you were still among the living. Didn’t die while behind the wheel? Well, don’t fret, because the Forevica uses your smartphone to detect that you’re dead, and it will drive to pick up your body no matter where you’ve expired!
If that’s not enough to get you looking forward to death, higher-trim models of the Forevica will also come loaded with features like built-in air fresheners to help conceal the reek of death you emanate as you rot behind the wheel, a robotic arm that automatically places sunglasses on your face when it’s bright out, and a stereo that will continue to play your favorite tunes and pods on your commute to make you appear vigorous and alive. The car’s incredible tech package will even take you through your favorite fast food drive-through every few days and use a recording of your voice to order up your go-to value meal, and a robotic piston will repeatedly launch your arm up from the armrest to sort of feed the food to your cadaver. How cool is that?
Whoa. With this groundbreaking new invention, we’re closer to eternal life than ever before.
While Chrysler currently only guarantees your bloated corpse three years behind the wheel, it’s only a matter of time before competing automakers offer vehicles that will drive your dead body around even longer. Pretty soon, we may be able to park at Costco and gas up at BP forever. How amazing would it be to have your corpse pull up to your own funeral, honk at your grieving loved ones a few times, and then peel out into the sunset as they all smile knowing you’re still out there cruising around? This is a truly remarkable event for all mankind!
