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A Tough Call: Ted Cruz Announced He’s Suspending His Campaign To Tend To His Thousands Of Glistening Eggs

Well, this is an absolutely massive presidential campaign shakeup. Despite a relatively strong showing so far in the Republican primary elections, Ted Cruz announced this morning that he has decided to suspend his campaign for president in order to tend to his thousands of glistening eggs.

Calling all political pundits, because this changes everything.

“I believe that I could have served the American people admirably as president, but at the end of the day, my throbbing, glistening eggs come first,” a visibly emotional Cruz said at a press conference in St. Louis this morning. “I need to keep my eggs wet with Sprite soda, and that’s incredibly time-consuming. I cannot in good conscience continue my bid for the presidency when I know that twice every hour I need to go into my garage, where my thousands of throbbing eggs shimmer in the dim headlights of the minivan I keep idling at all times, and I need to moisten them with Sprite soda from a spray bottle. My eggs have got to be wet with Sprite soda. I’m sorry.”

Cruz held a brief Q&A session following his announcement, and when a crestfallen supporter asked the Texas senator why he couldn’t get somebody else to care for his mountain of eggs until the election was over, Cruz responded firmly and pragmatically:

“I need to sing hymns to my eggs, I need to keep my eggs safe from cockroaches and other predators, I need to count my eggs, and I need to keep my eggs wet with Sprite soda. Most importantly, when the eggs hatch, I need to be there so that the hatchlings can devour my body. It has to be me. Thank you to all my supporters, and may God continue to bless this great country.”

Wow. It looks like the GOP candidate pool just got a little bit thinner! It will be interesting to see how the remaining presidential hopefuls handle the rest of their campaigns now that Ted Cruz has returned home to tend to his vast legions of glimmering eggs. This is just further proof that the 2016 presidential primary season is rewriting every rule in the book, and we can’t wait to see what comes next.