My stepson Blake, age 14, has anger issues—the type of anger issues that put holes in the walls of MY house, which he and his mother moved into last summer. Not only does that little shit punch holes in MY walls, but each time he does it, the hole he creates somehow opens up a space-time gateway to an enchanted land—some lands far, far more enchanted than others (it ain’t always fairies and spells in those places, like Blake’s mother thinks–trust me, I spent a little time in each of them before heading to Home Depot for drywall and joint compound). Here are all three magical realms that Blake’s punches opened a portal to, ranked.
3. The Land Of Oz
When I grounded Blake for smoking a cigarette (inside his bedroom while I was home, no less—kid’s a brat and a moron) he drilled a hole in the hallway wall, fracturing his wrist in the process. He and his mom went off to the hospital, and when I went to check out the damage, I saw light coming outta the hole. I’m thinking, “God damn it, what now?” I put my head inside to investigate, and all of a sudden, I’m like, yanked in, and I’m swirling around in a freaking tornado. Kid you not. Next thing I know I’m laying on my ass, surrounded by all these little guys wearing fruity outfits and singing the fruitiest songs I ever heard. I had to cut off this little mayor-looking guy in the middle of his solo part: “Hey, HEY—where the hell am I?” Little mayor guy says I’m in Munchkinland—“Welcome to the Land of Oz!” I’m like, “Okay, how far is that from Bayonne?” and he just shrugs at me and says, “You’ll have to see the Wizard if you want to get home!” I’m like, “…I gotta see the WHO?!”
Jesus Christ. I spent an eternity finding that guy. Had to deal with all these other fruity characters along the way too, all of ‘em latching onto me until I helped ‘em overcome their insecurities—oh, yeah, and I had to spend a night in the woods with these fruitcakes! The woods! All these living trees talking smack at us, chucking apples. Enchanted, my ass. To top it all off, when I get to the Wizard? I’m told I had the power to go home “all along”…by clicking the heels of my sneakers and muttering, “There’s no place like Bayonne, New Jersey.” Some real live-laugh-love bullshit. I was livid. LIVID. Waste of my god damn time. I do the heel-clicking bullshit without saying goodbye to any of these fruits, who think I’m their friend for some reason, all crying and thanking me as I’m transported back home. I get booted onto the front lawn just as my stepson and wife are getting back from the hospital. First thing I do is destroy my stepson’s PS5 in the driveway. Look, if I caused MY old man to spend a week in Oz? He would have belted my ass raw. Blake got out easy.
The Land of Oz sucks. Sucks, sucks, sucks. It’s a worse liberal hellhole than San Francisco. Far worse. Absolutely last place on this list of enchanted realms I visited, no doubt.
2. Neverland
This other time, Blake punched a hole in the kitchen wall ‘cause I grounded him for talking back to his mother (she lets get away with it too, lets him do whatever he wants, won’t put him on medication, it’s no wonder the kid’s dad got outta there). I already had the drywall and joint compound on hand from fixing the other hole, and I had just started to work on it when some young guy in these fruity green tights flies outta the hole (what’s with all the fruity guys in these enchanted lands?!), asking if I seen his “shadow.” What? But then I do see his shadow, it’s running around on my linoleum, and I’m like, “Christ, here we go again.” I tell the guy, “Get your shadow, and get out of my house or I will shoot you, hoodrat.” I don’t know how it happened, but somehow, some way, this guy, Peter, persuades me to take his hand, squeeze through the hole in my kitchen wall, and there we are, flying off to this place he’s calling Neverland. Then he starts talking up this little organization for troubled youth that he runs called the Lost Boys. It sounded perfect for my stepson, honestly (I wasn’t losing any chance to ship this kid away somewhere, I’d already looked into military schools). Guy was definitely in sales. Very charismatic.
I’m not gonna lie to you, I had some fun in Neverland. I had some fun. Exotic place. Like a Mexican resort without all the MS-13 crap to worry about. They got some good looking women over there—very young, but that place’s got different laws. Hey, I’m just saying! All we did was hang out and get into crazy shit all day, made all sorts of trouble. Reminded me of Greek life at Hofstra. They were trying to get me to stay forever, and I’ll say it, I was tempted. I really was. I was there for a week, and hadn’t thought of Blake or his pushover mom even once—almost forgot they existed. Thing is, Peter and all these guys were going nowhere in life. They’re gonna be doing the same shit 10 years from now, making nothing of themselves. I knew guys like that back at Hofstra. Fried their brains partying never got their crap together. It’s just depressing. So I got the guy to fly me home, I smashed Blake’s computer in the driveway, and I patched up the hole.
Would I go back to Neverland? Maybe. It depends. I’d go with my Hofstra buddies, just for a weekend. Better than Oz, that’s for sure. That’s why it’s number two on this list.
1. Middle Earth
The only good my stepson’s anger has ever done is allow me to discover Middle Earth. Compared to the other two magical realms? It was incredible. This time, Blake had punched a hole in my basement wall ‘cause I grounded him for getting suspended. Got in a fight with some bigger kid who beat Blake’s ass senseless, which, I’m not gonna lie to you, I enjoyed hearing. Getting to ground him was just the cherry on top. So I was in a good mood ‘cause of that, and my past experiences with the enchanted lands in these wall holes had me curious, so I figured “why the hell not” and squeezed my whole body into the hole. Just to see what would happen.
What happened was I met some seriously cool people. For a magical land, the people in Middle Earth are much, much less fruity than you’d expect. The wizards there are straight shooters. The little guys know how to drink. Barely any women at all. But you know who really impressed me? These orc fellas. They got a great work ethic. These guys work their asses off, I’m telling you. I see them pounding iron and building catapults around the clock, no complaining, and I’m thinking, “Wow, Blake could learn something from these orc guys. Cheaper than trade school too, which is Blake’s only shot at a career, knowing his grades.”
So that’s where Blake is now. Apprenticing with the orcs in a Middle Earth mineshaft somewhere. Learning whatever it is they do. In fact, I didn’t bother fixing the hole this time, ‘cause I contracted some of the orcs to do some housework for me (very cheap labor, and they do better work than the guys who wait outside Home Depot). So the portal to Middle Earth is very convenient in that way. Yeah, no contest, Middle Earth is the best enchanted land that Blake punched a portal to in the walls around my house. Number one, no doubt.
