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Animal Welfare FTW! Oscar Mayer Now Requires Pork Producers To Give Their Pigs One Thrilling Sexual Experience Before Sending Them To Slaughter

The cruelty of factory farms is a daily nightmare for billions of animals, but that might soon start to change thanks to a forward-thinking initiative by one of the biggest names in the meat industry. In a humane act of compassion for their livestock, the Oscar Mayer Company now requires its pork suppliers to give their pigs one thrilling sexual experience before sending them to slaughter.

It’s pretty difficult to overstate what a huge leap forward this is for animal rights.

The details of the new policy are extremely promising: Once a pig reaches sexual maturity, factory workers must lather it in a warming lubricant and place it in an outdoor pen, where it will encounter dozens of sows in heat and boars specially bred to produce voluptuously potent pheromone levels. The pigs will then be encouraged to partake in any variety of sow-on-boar, sow-on-sow, boar-on-boar, or autoerotic swineplay they prefer. Only after they’ve bellowed long, guttural squeals of satisfaction will these pigs be killed, processed, and separated into their desirable parts for human consumption.

Conscious consumers can rest assured: Oscar Mayer pork will have been treated to full prostate and teat stimulation via double-prodded toys, clamps, and strategically placed ice cubes before being sent to the slaughterhouse. Farmers will even have to install sprinklers emitting warm hog urine for any pig who might be into that.

Wow. It seems like Oscar Mayer is truly dedicated to setting a new bar for ethical animal treatment.

To put this in perspective, not even free-range operations keep pig behavior specialists on-site to spot hogs nearing ejaculation and pull them away in order to temporarily evade orgasm, thereby extending the hog’s arousal and making their eventual climaxes that much more explosive. For a household meat brand like Oscar Mayer to endorse this kind of practice is a really, really big deal.

“Before slaughter, we intend to treat our pigs to nothing less than the absolute highest order of hoof-shattering orgasms,” said Oscar Mayer President Mark Magnesen in a press release. “Our commitment to the well-being of animals means ensuring that no pig reaches an abbatoir without first experiencing a flesh romp so sensational it causes their numbing limbs to buckle under full-bodied tail-to-snout pleasure.”

Just yes. Even PETA has to admit that this is a great new direction for pork producers.

Taste tests held by the company revealed that customers unanimously preferred meat from sexually gratified pigs over meat from pigs raised under typical factory-farm stresses. Interested in trying some yourself, or just want to support the cause? Look for the special label they’ve created to specify that their products came from a pig they made squeal in wanton rapture.

Well, it looks like Oscar Mayer is finally getting on the right side of animal rights history. This is exactly the thoughtful kind of action consumers want to see food companies enact. They could have easily just asked suppliers to masturbate a few pigs to completion and called it change, but the level of care they’re pouring into these bacchanalian thrills shows that they’re truly making animal welfare a priority.

Any progress for farm animals is welcome progress, and hopefully this is a sign of even better living conditions to come. One blowout circus of carnal delights is the least they can do for these pigs.