Ooh la la, that fine-ass deity Yahweh really stuck it to Biblical Egypt, and I’d be a happy man if He sent a little bit of that divine punishment my way, feel me? Here are six plagues that, should the Big Guy be so inclined, I wouldn’t mind the Lord visiting upon me right now, if you catch my drift.
1. Locusts
I’ve been a bad boy, and frankly, my sins are way beyond any of the small-time shit that pharaoh ever pulled on the Israelites. So those locusts God sicced on Egypt? Well, I’d say it’s high time He visited a teeming cloud of those little minxes upon yours truly to completely fuck up my harvest, just gobbling my crops like there’s no tomorrow. The thought of those chitinous mandibles wrapped around the stalks of my staple grains, those big compound eyes staring up at me as the locusts throat my wheat right down to the roots…wouldn’t catch me complaining, no sir, no sir. Might also be cool if the locusts spit the crops back into my mouth at the end, don’t know for sure if I’d like that though. That’s right on the edge for me. But maybe.
2. Frogs
Those lucky Egyptians were sore winners in my book, and ooh baby I’d happily volunteer myself to catch a big froggy load of the Lord’s plague action in their stead, if you know what I’m saying. Go to get in my bed? Frogs. Try making some bread in my kneading trough? Frogs. Unzip at the urinal? Oh brother you KNOW what’s popping its head through my jeans and giving a little ribbit, at least until my ensuing “excitement” punts the thing out of there like a spring-loaded ejector seat. Don’t make a guy beg, God—pump my Nile so full of frogs that I can’t walk in the morning! Visit those slimy green fuckers upon my sinful ass IMMEDIATELY!
3. Boils
Ever since I first found that dog-eared copy of Exodus under my older brother’s mattress, I’ve had this fantasy: I come into work one day wearing a long sleeve turtleneck, even though it’s 90 degrees out, and all my coworkers just instantly know that God was plaguing the shit out of me last night. “Does he think he’s hiding the fact that his body is clearly riddled with noisome, festering boils?” they’d whisper as I walk past, and you know what? I’d just smile and ask them when’s the last time their god covered them head to toe in oozing sores. Bet that would shut them up, the prudes.
4. Beautiful women who STINK
God’s got some first-class plagues and He knows how to use ‘em, but if He doesn’t mind a little experimentation, I think it’d be exciting to try a plague where He covers my lands in gorgeous babes whose reek could strip paint. I don’t just mean “a bit stale,” mind you—I wanna see tube tops with scorch marks under the arms. I wanna drown in a sea of whiffs that contravene the Geneva Protocol. God probably could have bailed out Moses in just three plagues if He’d thrown a mosh pit of gruesomely unhygienic honeys into the mix, but it’s never too late to try. C’mon Lord, let’s skip the tired old thunderstorm of hail and fire and really mix things up, eh?
5. Death of firstborn son
My wonderful boy Michael just graduated from Tulane University last year, and while he is my absolute pride and joy in life, if God sent the Angel of Death to slay my firstborn son at midnight I would bust so hard my rope could punch a hole through a concrete wall. No markings of lamb’s blood on the doorframe of this household, you feel me? I’m rolling out the red fucking carpet! Maybe the Angel of Death could pull my hair a little too, because I’m sure that would feel amazing.
6. Breakfast in bed
Look, I like my godly signs and marvels more wrathful than most. Always have. But sometimes even the nastiest little sin piggy likes to be pampered, so just once, I wouldn’t mind being treated to a nice, quiet plague of breakfast in bed. Nothing too fancy, maybe a cloud of almond croissants blotting out the sun, some scrambled eggs covering my people and officials, rivers turning to fresh squeezed orange juice, that kind of thing. He’d probably have to turn my livestock into serving trays too since I don’t already own one. But yeah, a little taste of New Testament TLC to complement those fire and brimstone plagues He’d visit upon my cheeks—Hubba hubba, now THAT’S a God who’s gonna get a lot more than His people let go, if you know what the fuck I’m getting at!
