Class Member ID: 71900723801
United States District Court
for the Northern District of Illinois
As ordered by the Court, ClickHole LLC is required to inform you that a settlement has been reached in a class action lawsuit against ClickHole LLC. If you followed any of the advice featured on its now-redacted list “5 Flirting Tips For Fall,” your rights may be affected and you may be entitled to a cash settlement.
Mere hours after the list’s publication, thousands of Plaintiffs filed a civil suit captioned Internet v. ClickHole LLC alleging that ClickHole LLC’s “5 Flirting Tips For Fall” list contained many inaccuracies and instances of injurious advice, demonstrating a “wholesale misunderstanding of the general concept of flirting,” and that following ClickHole LLC’s “advice” is at minimum ineffective in regards to romance, and at maximum, gravely dangerous to the physical well-being of Plaintiffs and bystanders alike.
Please note that though this settlement has been ordered by court of law, ClickHole LLC denies Plaintiffs’ allegations and maintains that it has a good and meritorious defense. This settlement is not an admission of guilt or proof of wrongdoing. ClickHole LLC maintains its vigorous belief in the value and veracity of its Content (heretofore referred to as “Tips”) pertaining to romantic interactions. The court has not decided which side is right.
Who’s Included in the Class? The Court has defined the class as any individual who was led astray by any of ClickHole LLC’s flirting advice, as specified in the following so-called “Tips” from October 1, 2021:
– “Accentuate your breasts by placing two pumpkins under your brassiere”
– “Leave a trail of cinnamon from his doorstep to your hoo-ha”
– “Get his attention by throwing a hot cider beverage at his babymakers”
– “Sherpa coat makes him’s [sic] lose his mind”
– “Accentuate your dumper by placing two pumpkins under your panties”
What are the Settlement Terms? ClickHole LLC has established a Settlement Fund of an undisclosed dollar amount. You cannot receive a payment unless you submit a settlement claim in the comments section below. Class members who may have experienced emotional, sexual, physical, and mental damages caused by Plaintiffs’ attempts to follow ClickHole LLC’s Tips, including it’s assertion to “flirt it up in a sexy violent way with your pumpkin pimp until he becomes horny with romantic feelings” may be entitled to monetary benefits.
ClickHole LLC has agreed to never again claim to be “certified love doctors with Harvard PhDs in flirting” who specialize in “making romance happen when there are pumpkins around,” as such claims do not accurately describe ClickHole LLC’s advanced degrees, all of which pertain to algebra. Further, ClickHole LLC has agreed to never again publish anything related to accentuating one’s private parts with squash cultivars during the season of fall.
Your Rights May Be Affected. You may be a member of the class whose rights may be affected by this lawsuit. The purpose of this notice is to inform you of the lawsuit and the settlement so that you may decide what steps to take in relation to it. If you do not want to be legally bound by the settlement, you must exclude yourself by October 5, 2021. If you decide to participate in this settlement, you will be notified of the scheduled hearing date and are permitted to appear at the hearing with other Plaintiffs and affiliated parties (plaintiffs, injured parties, plaintiffs, or Plaintiffs) in order to present testimony regarding Damages (hereafter referred to as “Problems And Foul Odors”) suffered while engaged in a flirtatious interaction (hereafter known as “Flirting” or “Horny Blabbing”) as influenced by information, guidance, and Divine Revelation contained within “5 Flirting Tips For Fall.”
Plaintiffs, parties, and plaintiffs (flirting, parties, and ClickHole LLC), are subject to direct and INVASIVE inquiry regarding all Horny Blabbing they have engaged in during the Fall Season (hereafter known as “Autumn’s Empire”). All Problems And Foul Odors caused by ClickHole LLC shall be recited in a public court of law (hereafter known OCCASIONALLY BUT NOT EXCLUSIVELY as The Palace Of The Bailiff). By joining this settlement, you agree to have your legal name changed to MR. PLAINTIFF regardless of gender, and The Judiciary Demons will have full access to all Horny Blabbing you have committed in the long months of Autumn’s Empire. Plaintiffs, parties, and ClickHole LLC shall be required to demonstrate FULL HORNY BLABBING beneath a pile of leaves to simulate an autumn atmosphere to the satisfaction of the Judge, ClickHole LLC, plaintiffs, and Autumn. Failure to be Horny during Blabbing shall result in IMMEDIATE INACTION regarding all legislative debris and Torte in reference to Flirting, Horny Blabbing, internet, and Plaintiff. FAILURE TO COMPLY WITH ANY OF THE ABOVE STIPULATIONS WILL RESULT IN IMMEDIATE LEGAL ACTION UP TO AND INCLUDING LIFE IN PRISON.
If you suspect you may be entitled to a claim, please leave a comment below detailing how you were affected by the publication of the list so that the appropriate damages can be determined.