Last weekend in Greenwich, CT was truly one for the books, as it marked my first of what I believe will be many 5Ks for MILFs. Although we had a fantastic showing with 7 MILFs in the race, only 5 were able to receive medals, which hung perfectly between their cleavage at the post-race cocktail hour, sponsored by SkinnyPop. Without further ado, these incredible age 45 and up ladies were the top 5 finishers in my inaugural 5K for MILFs!
1. Mrs. Caswell
Coming in at a rocking time of 22:34, Mrs. Caswell, mother of two, absolutely crushed the course—a straightfoward loop around a neighborhood full of McMansions that participants circled eight times. As she blasted Taio Cruz’s “Dyamite” on her earphones for motivation, her spray-tanned legs carried her seamlessly across the finish line, where she was immediately lifted into the air by a team of young, glistening pool boys who handed her a SkinnyGirl Margarita. The title of Fastest MILF truly couldn’t have gone to a more deserving middle-aged woman! Heck yes, MILF!
2. Ms. Charlotte Westwood
Although the pandemic was difficult for many people, it was hardest for MILFs, whose rates of physical activity declined nearly 0.3 percent as a result of lockdowns. Physical health comes at the cost of mental health as well, and as any fraternity social chair will tell you, when a MILF’s mental health is low, all she wants to do is gnaw on the same piece of salt water taffy for hours while tearfully gazing out the window to Sam Smith’s “Stay With Me.” This why I knew I had to help uplift my local MILF community by organizing this 5K.
And you could tell how much this race meant to a big-hearted MILF like Ms. Charlotte Westwood, who smiled from ear to ear as she stopped at the water station at the halfway mark to get hosed down by the St. David’s High School Football team. Although Charlotte’s time took a massive hit because of how long she shimmied in her soaking wet white XXS baby tee that she received for free in her grab bag, despite clocking in roughly 32 minutes behind the first MILF, she still placed second in the race. Booyah, MILF!
3. Ms. Audrina Gromley II
The recently divorced Ms. Audrina Gromley II didn’t just come to the 5K for MILFs to be single. She also came to mingle. And impressively, Audrina not only managed to finish the race in third at a time of 1 hour 17 minutes, but she also managed to score the Snapchat info of every single guy lining the sidelines of the race who’s still on his parent’s health insurance plan. Frick yeah, MILF!
Pictured in the background of this photo is Audrina’s best friend Talya, who unfortunately did not finish the race. While we’re not sure where Talya ended up—the last Audrina saw her was at the first mile mark, where Talya had reportedly stopped to catch her breath due to “camel toe complications”—because the waiver she signed prior to competing clearly stated that the race would be done after 8 hours, and event staff would not come searching for anyone who still hadn’t finished the race, there’s nothing we can do. Hope you turn up soon, MILF!
4. Mrs. Bromley-Bushnell
When you’re a MILF, it’s essential to find some time away from your kids, your private tennis lessons, and the nail salon by participating in a 5K, which is exactly what Mrs. Bromley-Bushnell did. Mrs. Bromley-Bushnell took a Baywatch-style approach to her race and ran the entire 3.1 miles in what looked like slow-motion, which took her a grueling 3 hours to complete.
Running so slow as to make your breasts heave up and down definitely burned more calories than her usual Peloton routines, so Mrs. Bromley-Bushnell spent quite a bit of time after the race refueling at the Activia Tent, where she was spoon fed essential probiotics by sweaty, sexy men from Howard & Sons Landscaping Co, taking a clear preference to Sammy, a 19-year-old transplant from San Diego Bay!
Although Mrs. Bromley-Bushnell finished fourth overall, she was the first place finisher in the Age 69+ category, which scored her a $50 gift card to Coldwater Creek! You go, MILF!
5. Paisley Carrington
Although Paisley Carrington spent the entire first 90 minutes of the race slowly rubbing Icy Hot all over her body while licking her lips as Taio Cruz’s “Dynamite” played from her iPad, once she got running, she was flying. However, Paisley seemed to think the race was a triathlon, and she spent about 30 minutes swimming in the neighborhood’s retention basin. In fact, Paisley only got out of the water when she faked that she was drowning so that the nearby group of Eagle Scouts who were working on their environment science merit badge could jump in and rescue her with some mouth-to-mouth.
Proudly, though, Paisley still finished the race in 5th, beating both Audrina’s still-at-large friend Talya, as well as actress Jennifer Coolidge. Well done, MILF, and well done, MILFs! You have all defied the naysayers who dared to claim that MILFs could never run a 5K! Hope to see everyone in East Hampton this fall for our Turkey Trot for Aging Thots!