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Corporate Disaster: A Rotting Swordfish Was Just Found In The Underground Spring Where Dean’s Gets Its Milk

Well, it sounds like someone’s probably losing their job over this one. Dean’s Dairy is currently in crisis mode after a dead swordfish was found rotting in the underground spring that serves as its sole source of milk.


The bloated swordfish was discovered when a worker rappelled down into the grotto to fetch a bucket of fresh milk from the spring. It is estimated that the 10-foot fish had been floating around in the milk for weeks before it became so filled with gases that it rose to the surface, where it was spotted.

Thankfully, so far there have not been any reports of people getting sick, but there are thousands of potentially tainted Dean’s products on grocery shelves across the nation: milks, yogurts, dips, and cheeses all derived from the same swordfish-contaminated subterranean spring.

Dean’s has issued the following statement about the disastrous incident:

A rotten swordfish was recently discovered in our underground milk spring. We are taking this issue very seriously.

We assure our customers that this was an isolated case, and that our spring is functioning perfectly. Divers are currently inspecting the yogurt grotto’s hydrothermal vents and our state-of-the-art filtration systems in an attempt to determine how this swordfish breached our facilities.

Dean’s is committed to extracting only the finest-quality dairy products from the spring. We are investigating the incident thoroughly, and the parties found to be responsible for this will be terminated.

Terrible. Dean’s better get its act together, because another episode like this and its milk spring is liable to get sealed off for good.