Ugh. Nothing is worse than when someone isn’t taking the hint that it’s time for them to leave, no matter how much gentle nudging you give them. Here are five times Dad didn’t take the hint that it was time for him to leave the family.
1. When mom looked at her watch, yawned, and said, “Well, the last 23 years were a lot of fun, but you should probably head out before it gets too late.”
No one wants to seem like a dick by just coming out and telling Dad that the family doesn’t want him around anymore, so we try to find little ways to drop hints, like acting tired and pointing out that it’s getting late in hopes that he’ll get the message and pick up and leave for good. The other night, we were getting really sick of Dad being a member of the family so mom exaggeratedly looked at her watch and suggested he get going because it was getting late and he had already been related to us for the past 23 years. Unbelievably, Dad completely missed the cue and just agreed that it was getting late and went to sleep in his bed. Totally fucking awkward!
2. The time we pointed to another family that didn’t have a dad and said, “Wow, they look like they could use a dad, hint hint,” and started pushing Dad towards them.
Since Dad can be pretty clueless about our constant low-key suggestions that he abandon us, sometimes we try to be a little more direct. A few weeks ago at the mall we spotted a lovely, fatherless family at the park that seemed like they would be a perfect family for Dad to leave us for, so we literally pushed him towards the new family while hinting that it looked like he’d be a great fit as their new dad. All he had to say about it was, “Well, too bad I already have a family that I love so much!” Jesus Christ! Take. The. Hint. Old. Man.
3. When we bought a new house and told Dad he couldn’t come with us because there wasn’t enough room for him to fit inside it because it was filled with plants.
If anything should have let Dad know loud-and-clear that we want him to move on from our family, it was when we bought a new house and then explained to him that “things are pretty tight over there due to all of the potted plants” and there was “really only room for 3 people and 15 plants, tops.” Despite our obvious hinting that we wanted Dad to move somewhere else, he just said, “I think 2,500 square feet is plenty big” and tagged along like a total 3rd wheel.
4. When we sent him dozens of friendly little notes in the mail suggesting he disappear completely.
Sometimes seeing something in writing makes a stronger impression than hearing it said to you, which is exactly why we staged a letter writing campaign to politely but firmly let Dad know it was time for him to disappear from our lives completely. By dropping hand-written notes that said things like, “Hey, papa! Just wanted to give you a heads-up that it’s time for you to go!” and, “Dad, we love you, and would love for you to be happy elsewhere” into his mailbox we figured it would soften the blow of letting dad know we were kicking him out. We even included a piece of candy and some cute stickers on the envelopes! But Dad just ate the candy and put the letters on the fireplace mantle like they were Christmas cards. Totally oblivious. So embarrassing.
5. When we gave him a set of luggage, a book about recovering after losing your family, and a one-way ticket to Thailand for Christmas.
Last Christmas, we gave Dad everything he needed to pack up in the middle of the night without saying goodbye and move somewhere in Bangkok never to be heard from again. The plan seemed to be working, and Dad was gone within three days. Unfortunately, just one week later, Dad returned with a sunburn and oversized t-shirts with elephants and the word “Thailand” on them for each one of us and declared, “Next time everyone has to come! What a wonderful vacation! Great book too!” If Dad doesn’t get a clue sometime soon, we might just have to find a more direct way to tell him he’s no longer welcome to be our father.
