I am scared something is going to happen to my dad.

5. Reading

By default, reading is my dad’s least dangerous hobby. Pretty much the only dangerous thing about it is that he sometimes reads about much more dangerous hobbies, and unfortunately, that only seems to encourage him. This is distressing, but ultimately, I’m just thankful he has one hobby that won’t be directly responsible for killing him.

4. Taking short walks at night

This is where I start to get a little worried. My dad likes to go for brief 30-minute walks around his neighborhood immediately following dinner, in order to, in his words, “think about my day and walk off dinner.” Which, like, weird, but his reasoning isn’t my main concern. What gets me worried is that he doesn’t wear a reflective vest or hold a flashlight or anything like that when he’s out there. It would be better if he was walking on the sidewalk, but to him, walking on the road “just feels better.” Whatever that means. Sure, our neighborhood has a speed limit of 25, but it only takes one drunk person, or one bad driver, or one person with somewhat bad eyesight.

3. Chopping wood in the backyard

Okay, so I’ve seen him do this a couple times, and it seems like he knows what he’s doing. He also really likes it, even going so far as to order a whole bunch of logs that he could split into firewood. He’s gotten through a pretty sizable chunk of them without incident, but that ax just seems like a recipe for disaster. I mean, right? What if he loses his concentration for even just a split second? What if he slips and loses his footing? What if he accidentally hits himself in the back of the head on the follow-through? There’s an infinite number of terrible ax-related scenarios that can happen, and I get freaked out just thinking about it.

2. Carpentry

It was difficult to determine which of my dad’s hobbies is the most dangerous, but I knew carpentry would have to be up there. He recently started doing it, and he’s using some really high-powered, dangerous tools. I mean, like, right off the bat, he’s using a goddamn buzzsaw, and unlike his chopping wood thing, I’m pretty positive that he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Recently, I asked him what he was working on, and he said, “I dunno, maybe a chair?” That inspires no confidence in me about his ability to not get killed while doing this. Also, why does he have to do this anyway? What inspires the sudden need for carpentry in a 55-year-old accountant? I just don’t understand.

1. Biking

This is easily the most likely hobby to kill him. Simply put, my dad is too cocky on his bike. One time, I went biking with him, and it was one of the scariest experiences of my life. He blows through stop signs, weaves in and out of traffic, and seems to go faster than is humanly possible on a bicycle. I asked my mom if she knew about the way he bikes, and she just said, “I’m sure your father knows what he’s doing.” He doesn’t. Out of all his hobbies, biking is absolutely the one that would potentially result in his death. Dad, if you’re reading this, please never get on your bike again.