Dad is referred to by friends and enemies alike as “the Rube of Rochester.” Everyone calls him by this name so often that we usually don’t stop to think about why we do it. Now at last I will explain to you the origins so that you will understand. Here are five reasons Dad has the nickname “the Rube of Rochester.”
1. Dad once traded his van for a “magic” talking pumpkin at the Rochester Farmers Market
One time back in 1997, Dad drove down to the Rochester Farmers Market in his van to buy some local pornography. When he got there, a man told him that he was selling a magic talking pumpkin that could tell you how much you weighed just by looking at you. Dad thought that this sounded amazing, and he traded his van in exchange for this so-called talking pumpkin. He walked all the way back home to Nyack carrying the pumpkin. When he got home, he learned that the pumpkin could not guess anyone’s weight. All it would do is scream the F-word (“fuck”) and sometimes recite the poem “Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening” by Robert Frost. Dad had been scammed in a major way. When Mom asked Dad why he didn’t just buy a bathroom scale if he wanted to know how much he weighed, Dad replied, “That seemed impossible at the time.” For getting tricked by a con man at the Rochester Farmers Market, Dad was given the nickname the Rube of Rochester.
2. Dad gambled away his clothes at the Rochester racetrack betting on a horse that had been dead for seven months
One time back in 2002, Dad drove down to Rochester in his new van to watch the Rochester Stakes, one of the biggest horse races in Rochester. When he arrived, he noticed that one of the horses listed to compete that day was named Delicious Meal. By complete coincidence, a delicious meal happens to be Dad’s favorite food. He thought this was fate, so he bet all of his clothes on Delicious Meal. The guy at the racetrack explained to Dad that Delicious Meal had been dead for seven months and probably would not win the race, but Dad would not be stopped. The odds were too tempting: Since Delicious Meal was dead, the track gave him 10,000:1 odds of winning. If Delicious Meal lost the race, Dad would lose his clothes, but if Delicious Meal won the race, Dad would win 10,000 shirts and 10,000 pairs of pants.
Unfortunately for Dad, when the gun went off, Delicious Meal just lay motionless on the ground while his jockey sat next to him and cried. Delicious Meal didn’t end up crossing the finish line until three hours later, which put him in last place. Dad realized he would have to surrender his clothes, but he didn’t want anyone to see his ass or his belly, so instead of giving up his clothes he gave them his van. Dad had to walk all the way back to Nyack, and Dad was christened the “Rube of Rochester” for making such a foolish gamble.
3. Dad thought he had caught the mythical “Rochester Warlock,” but it turned out to be an extremely famous little boy named Jason Statham
One time back in 2015, Dad drove down to Rochester in his new van to attend Fleetwoodstock, a music festival consisting of 30 different Fleetwood Mac cover bands. In the middle of a set by the Fleetwood Mac cover band Second Hand News, Dad saw a man rocking out and having a great time. The man had a shaved head, and Dad remembered the local legend of the Rochester Warlock, a mythical spellcaster who supposedly stalked the streets of Rochester turning children into bugs.
In the legend, the Rochester Warlock has a shaved head, so Dad thought this concertgoer must be him, so he grabbed the stranger, stuffed him into his van, and drove away. Unfortunately, the legend also says that the Rochester Warlock has horns, fangs, and a name tag that says, “Hello, My Name Is The Rochester Warlock.” The man Dad had grabbed was not the Rochester Warlock, but an extremely famous 48-year-old child named Jason Statham, who had starred in movies such as Crank and The Expendables. Because of his error, Dad was arrested for kidnapping a famous child and in lieu of jail time the court ordered him to surrender his van to the Rochester Secret Police. Dad had to walk all the way back to Nyack. For falling for a fake local legend and kidnapping a child, Dad was dubbed “the Rube of Rochester” by the locals.
4. Dad once went to Rochester and his pants fell down
One time back in 2019, Dad drove to Rochester in his new van to use the bathroom and while he was walking into the City Hall his pants fell down. A police officer saw Dad standing there with his pants down and said, “You’re so dumb. Give me your van.” Then the police officer drove away in Dad’s van and Dad had to walk all the way back to Nyack. Since his pants fell down in Rochester, it was widely agreed upon by the people of Rochester that Dad would henceforth be known as “the Rube of Rochester,” and the name stuck.
5. Dad once got tricked into thinking the mayor of Rochester was a Nigerian prince
One time back in 2024, Dad drove to Rochester in his new van in order to visit Beethoven’s grave. While he was in the Our Lady of Holy Rochester Cemetery, standing solemnly before Beethoven’s grave, the Mayor of Rochester came up to him and said, “Hello, dear one. I’m the man who’s having the real name of Donald Sweet. I’m the Official True Prince of Nigeria, and I have an important help to ask of your kindness. My father is dying and will soon go to Heaven all day long. I need to drive my King Father to the circus one last time so that he can see the clowns and the jugglers. Sadly, my convertible sports car of Lamborghini has been stolen by operatives of the Soviet Union (USSRSRS). I am asking for you to have an incredible opportunity in which fashion you lend unto me your van and I drive my King Father to the circus deep inside of your van. Then later, when the new day is ripe, I will bring you nine million vans in return for your gladness.”
Dad listened to this story and said, “That sounds so great.” Then Dad gave his van to the Mayor of Rochester, who drove away cackling. Dad walked all the way back to Nyack and told us that we could soon expect to be “the proud owners of a million-van armada.” We immediately realized Dad had been scammed again, and for this our family bestowed upon him the title of the Rube of Rochester.
