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Dire Prediction: The U.S. Sludge Warden Just Announced That No One Can Escape The Sludge

If you didn’t already have enough to worry about, here’s something else to keep you up at night. According to an announcement from the U.S. Sludge Warden today, the sludge will be on its way soon, and unfortunately, it doesn’t look like there’s anything we can do about it.

The Sludge Warden warned in a press conference that the sludge is showing signs of unrest and will likely arrive any day now.

“We’ve been carefully monitoring the situation, and what we’re seeing right now are conditions that are highly conducive to the sludge’s return,” the Sludge Warden said. “At this point, there’s not much we can do to contain it—it’s really just a matter of time.”

“Do not try to run, for no man, woman, or child can escape the sludge,” he continued. “The sludge will envelop us all.”

If the circumstances weren’t already alarming enough, the Sludge Warden cautioned that there will be no way to predict the manner of the sludge’s arrival. Whether from north or south, east or west, sky or sea, the sludge’s approach cannot be foreseen. All that is certain is that it’s coming.

Until the sludge does appear, the Sludge Warden is urging all Americans to take basic precautions to safeguard against its ravages, such as burying heirlooms, releasing pets back into the wild, and wrapping children and elderly in garbage bags. He has reiterated, however, that no matter what preparations one makes, the sludge will still have its way. We will not see it or hear it until it is here.

What will you and your family do to prepare for the sludge? Facebook/Tweet us and let us know!