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Ditch The Dating Apps: 5 Real-Life Places To Meet My Wife

Dating these days has become almost entirely virtual, but you can scroll through dating apps for months without ever meeting my incredible wife. Of course, my wife is already taken—she’s married to me—but if you’re looking to date her, it’s time to put down the phone and head over to these five real-life places.

1. The Park

Your best bet for running into my wife is to go to where she hangs out, and there’s no spot in town she loves more than Northside Park. When you see a woman walking a cocker spaniel along the lakeside path, brown hair in a ponytail and a wedding ring on her finger, that’s the gorgeous woman I married 19 years ago. Now, there’s no need for you to go up and talk to her—that’s my wife we’re talking about—but if you start with a polite compliment and keep your confidence, you’re probably going to walk off with her number in your phone and a date on the books.

2. The Gym

Talking to strangers you find attractive in public might seem daunting, but the only thing awkward about approaching my wife at Planet Fitness is that you’ll be breaking my heart. My wife goes there four times a week to use the StairMaster and actively look for sex, so the odds of building a flirty repartee that lays the groundwork to eventually asking her out couldn’t be more in your favor. That said, she is married to me, so I’d prefer if you hit on someone else.

3. Volunteering

My wife has a beautiful, kind soul and spends every Sunday volunteering at the Salvation Army, where she sorts through donated items and meets potential sexual partners. If you’re the kind of person who likes giving back, too, then you should volunteer at the same time and engage her in a friendly conversation that she will love and I will absolutely hate. Actually, maybe just stay away from my wife, who would probably be happy to get a drink with you when her shift ends.

4. A Bar

When you go to O’Clare’s Tavern looking for my wife, make sure it’s a Thursday because she’ll be there with her friends hoping to find a man to take home. Offer to buy her a gin martini (her favorite), then leave my wife alone (she’s mine), then walk her to her car (simple and romantic), then get in your own car (I ask that you do not see my wife again), then go to my house, where she has invited you to have sex with her (I’m on business trips Tuesday through Friday), then keep your hands off of her (she’s my wife), and pleasure her endlessly (by God does she deserve it).

5. Cooking Class

Taking the same cooking class as my wife will give you plenty of icebreakers when you start to chat her up—and I’d know, it’s how I first met her back in 1995. I picked the kitchen station right next to hers, and after burning some scallops, I asked her to help me get it right. And I’ve got to be the luckiest man in the world, because she’s been helping me get it right every day since. So when you meet her at cooking class, keep in mind that she is: 1) my incredible wife, and 2) looking to seduce someone, and if you’re anything like me, you can pretty much just let your incredible romance with my wife fall into place from there.