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Expose Your Breasts To A Police Horse, And 4 Other Plans For A Perfect Day In New Orleans

New Orleans is one of the most unique and lively cities on the planet, and if you’ve only got 24 hours there, here are five things you absolutely must do.

1. Suck a mess of crayfish up from the bayou with a trombone: New Orleans is jazz country, and that means you’ve got to grab a trombone and head down to the bayou to slurp yourself up some crawdads, jazz-style! This traditional method of harvesting crayfish is still on the books as the only legal way to harvest shellfish, shrimp, and catfish from the brackish waters of New Orleans. And here’s a little tip: Only use a trumpet if you aren’t hungry; you’ll get much more suction with a trombone.

2. Expose your breasts to a police horse: The Big Easy nightlife is known as some of the wildest in the world, and there’s no single crazier act than lifting up your shirt and flashing your chest to a disinterested police horse. Try doing that in Vegas!

3. Experience the awe-inspiring beauty of the Zatarain’s headquarters: Whether you’re a photographer or just a sightseer, you can’t visit New Orleans without feasting your eyes on the stunning national treasure that is the Zatarain’s headquarters. Fans of the McCormick subsidiary’s Cajun spices and boxed jambalaya mixes will treasure the opportunity to take in the building’s sights, from the walls to the reception area to the large sign out front that says “Zatarain’s.” Mere photos don’t do this amazingly gorgeous wonder justice, so you’ve got to see it yourself to truly experience it.

4. Enhance New Orleans’ unique melting pot of cultures by throwing some Anonymous culture in the mix: Thanks to its unique blend of French, Creole, African, and Spanish cultures, the vibe in New Orleans is truly one of a kind. So why not make the city even more special by adding some Anonymous stuff into the mix? Try passing out Guy Fawkes masks along Bourbon Street or hanging up posters with the Anonymous logo on them in the French Quarter. Every night’s a party in New Orleans, and adding a little hacktivist flavor to the city culture will only make things more fun.

5. Give the levees a real good push just to make sure we’re all good there: Look, we all trust that the people who replaced the levees knew what they were doing. A solid push, though. Really make sure.