Everyone in your family sucks. They suck ass and it’s time for them to get what they deserve. Here are 7 Christmas gifts you can give them this year that will make them so goddamn fucking pissed.
1. A hamster
A hamster is a perfect gift for a loser family member like your mom. They’re dirty and they smell bad and they kick their stupid little hamster wood chips all over the floor, and your mom is going to unwrap one on Christmas morning and go, “What the hell is this? Who bought this? I can’t keep this!” It’ll be the perfect start to a holiday full of conflict and screaming. Fuck everybody!
2. A hologram of Ryan Lochte
Holograms are pretty cool, but not this one—it’s just a huge, cumbersome facsimile of disgraced Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte, and it’s programmed to accuse everyone in its vicinity of stealing its wallet. Trust us: your parents are going to flip their lid when they wake up to a 6-foot-2 guy in a Speedo and bleached blonde hair standing in their living room screaming at them to give him back his Gap credit card. But that’s too bad for them, isn’t it? Happy holidays, assholes!!
3. Grain
Whether you’re shopping for a younger teen sibling or an elderly great uncle, it’ll be hard to piss them off more than you can with a plastic baggie full of loose, unprocessed grain. Throw in some barley, amaranth, oats, whatever—it won’t be long before they’re angrily throwing their bag of grist to the ground and storming out of the house in just one of many displays of rage and disappointment you’ll see from your loved ones during your gift exchange.
4. An 18-wheeler with a huge logo for a business called “Dumb Bitch LLC” on the side
If you start planning early enough, you can get an 18-wheeler truck registered in your brother’s name in time for Christmas morning, complete with a logo depicting him wearing a t-shirt that says “DUMB BITCH LLC” emblazoned on both sides of the shipping container. Then, all you have to do is open up the living room blinds and watch his face fall in horror as he sees the enormous, ugly, incredibly impractical new vehicle you got him. Get going and make it your family’s worst Christmas yet!
5. Yogurt
Everyone’s eating plain yogurt this Christmas! The store brand kind! Enjoy the shitty taste, morons!
6. One ping-pong paddle
It can be difficult to shop for children in your family, but not if you get them one single ping-pong paddle (no ball). It’ll be so satisfying to see the tears of frustration they’ll cry as they try to figure out what to do besides sort of swing the paddle around in the air, growing more and more upset as they realize just how shitty their gift is.
7. A Christmas tree
The best way to piss your entire family off to the point that you get run out of the house for the rest of the week is to show up Christmas morning, while everyone is sitting around the beautifully decorated tree, and drag in an even larger, second Christmas tree. It won’t be long before the entire family is hopping fucking mad, just letting loose on each other as they try to figure out what the fuck to do about the fact that they have two huge trees in the living room and the cousins are coming over in an hour. “Where the hell do we put it?” they’ll cry. “It’s getting pine needles all over the place!” What a shitshow it will be! Merry Christmas, and fuck every single one of the stupid fucking people you’re related to!
