Oftentimes, the Internet in general will decide to fawn over a totally inexplicable celebrity or fictional character, like a group of tweens with a crush on a boy band member. Whether it’s based in genuine attraction or it’s just people ironically cultivating an online aesthetic, we have no idea. But, if you’d like to be ahead of the curve, here are 5 instances where you can stan Red Forman for being low-key thicc, in case everyone online starts posting like they have a big crush on him.
1. When Red Forman hugged his wife and daughter
By our estimation, you could say Red is looking low-key thicc as hell here. Pretty easy to imagine this going viral if you were to add some text reading “we simply must stan a bald king,” right? Add a post like that to your drafts now, so if for whatever baffling reason the Internet starts horny-posting on main about the dad from That ‘70s Show, you can simp for Red Forman before anyone else and snag that early adopter clout.
2. When Red Forman squirted whipped cream on his head
“No cap, I need some Red Forman bussy in my life…[hot face emojis].” That’s just one example of a caption you can post alongside this screenshot of Red playfully grinning and dousing his bald head in whipped cream. Look, Kurtwood Smith is a fine-looking man, but if media people and TV writers with big social followings suddenly made Red Forman into one of their mutual boy-crushes, we’re just saying, it’d feel like it was picked out of a hat. You never know who’s going to get vaulted into Internet heartthrob status next, so hey, it can’t hurt to be prepared in case Red Forman’s randomly deemed ‘zaddy’ by influential Twitter accounts.
3. When Red Forman dressed up as a cowboy
Yeah, Cowboy Red Forman was definitely ‘serving looks’ here, or whatever. This one would be especially savvy to adopt into your online personality, because it’s not just Red Forman—it’s famously hard-assed Red Forman wearing cute little Old West clothes, a layer of irony that’ll suggest you have an intimate understanding what makes Red Forman such an unsuspecting thirst trap, and also that you’ve combed through That ‘70s Show for the deep cuts of his ‘off-the-chart drip.’ Go ahead and make this your avi now so that when Red Forman’s star begins to rise in the Blue Check Twitter crowd, people associate him with your taste and online brand.
4. When Red Forman said his foot wrote a book called On The Road To In Your Ass
Eventually, some people will attempt to intellectually justify why Red Forman is sexy. They’ll probably say he represents a sort of male ideal of non-toxic masculinity, and then others will point out how he was xenophobic towards Fez and a deeply problematic character, and then all the fun of being horny for Red will be ground away by the inevitable Culture War discourse. Anyone who argues about this stuff online, no matter which side they’re on, never has sex in real life. Never. It’s not about that for them. And trust us, you don’t want to stick around for that part of the Red Forman Simp Cycle. You want to be in on this thing early, when the shares and likes are fresh for the taking as you portray yourself as ‘down bad’ for Red, post photos of hot, young Kurtwood Smith with a caption like “omg,” and act performatively sexual in a way that is totally incongruous with how you behave in the real world. So yeah, Red Forman once said his foot wrote a book called On The Road To In Your Ass, and he looked low-key thicc when he did it. Write up a post saying how badly you wish he was referring to your ass before a billion other people tweet the same thing.
5. When Red Forman was Zorro in one of the show’s fantasy sequences
Quote Tweet this photo of Red as Zorro, throw in a gif of a waterfall and the text “between my legs right now”, and you’re scoring 20k likes minimum. Guaranteed. All we’re saying is that when a ‘standom’ builds around Red Forman for some indecipherable reason, you’re not gonna want to leave all that engagement on the table. Prepare now. You’ll thank yourself later.
