If you’re like us (and pretty much everyone else on Earth), you’ve been looking forward to the next Spider-Man movie in the MCU more than pretty much anything else in the world. Fortunately, it looks like those months of anticipation will soon be at an end because we finally know when the next Spider-Man movie is dropping, and it sounds like it’s going to be epic. Marvel has just announced an upcoming MCU movie where Spider-Man desperately tries to sell the vintage pornography magazines Uncle Ben left him in his will.
Okay…somebody pinch us, because this movie sounds like a Marvel fan’s ultimate dream.
Marvel dropped the trailer for the new film, ‘Spider-Man: Home Away From Home’ in a surprise midnight post on social media and it’s already set the fandom on fire. Fans have long wondered why Uncle Ben has been absent from the Tom Holland Spider-Man movies, and we finally get our answer in the first ten seconds of the trailer, when Peter gets an email from Thor explaining that Uncle Ben choked on a golf ball 15 years before Peter was born, and that it’s time for him to meet Uncle Ben’s attorney for the reading of his uncle’s will. The trailer then cuts to Peter, in his Spider-Man costume, sitting in the office of Uncle Ben’s attorney, who is played by Josh Brolin, the actor who also played Thanos. The attorney says, “I know I look like Thanos if he wasn’t purple, but I’m not,” and Spider-Man says, “Thanks for letting me know.” The attorney then reads Uncle Ben’s will, which is absolutely heartbreaking:
“To my nephew Peter Parker, I leave my treasure chest of skin mags. I hope my enormous pornography collection makes your life incredible. I hope you never become Spider-Man. Sincerely, Uncle Ben.”
The attorney then presents Spider-Man with a 300-pound treasure chest packed with pornography published between the 1970s and 1990s with the words “Uncle Ben’s Porn” written on it. “I believe this is for you,” the attorney says.
Leave it to the MCU to make us cry during the trailer!
The rest of the trailer shows Spider-Man traveling all over the multiverse trying to offload the big cumbersome box of porn his uncle left him. Fans get a glimpse of some of the challenges our favorite webslinger will face when he has to save the world while carrying a gigantic box of vintage erotica–in one shot Spider-Man shoots a web at the box then ties the other end of the web around his waist like a belt and starts dragging the porn box behind him, significantly reducing his speed and agility. In another heartbreaking moment, Spider-Man’s beloved MJ can be seen getting carried away by a gigantic robot while Spider-Man slowly hobbles after her with Uncle Ben’s pornography bouncing and jostling around behind him. “Uncle Ben’s porn is slowing me down!” he calls after MJ as the robot carries her into the distance.
Later in the trailer, Peter Parker, with the box of porn still dragging behind him by the web he tied to his waist, visits Tony Stark’s grave. He’s crying (because real heroes aren’t afraid to be vulnerable) as he says, “I miss you Tony. I know you would have bought all this porn for a billion dollars. I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost. I’d keep the porn for myself, but magazines are boring to me because of how much better the internet is.”
To make matters worse, it looks like Spider-Man is going to have a ton of trouble finding a buyer for his newly inherited pornography. There’s a shot of Loki flipping through a 1985 issue of a magazine called Butts For Uncles while Spider-Man says, “The whole box is yours for $500.” Loki says, “I’ll give you $100,” and Spider-Man says, “those golden age back issues of Uncle’s Delight are worth $250 alone. No deal,” before he swings away with the treasure chest of porn.
Other MCU favorites who show up in the trailer are Nick Fury (who tells Spider-Man that he can’t buy Uncle Ben’s porn because his eye patch covers his “porn-reading eye”), Groot (who points to the Crucifix around his neck and says, “I am Groot” to indicate to Spider-Man that his beliefs as a Christian forbid him from purchasing pornography), and Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man (who has his own chest of identical pornography that his own Uncle Ben left him in his universe). It’s just a small taste so far, but we’re pretty sure Spider-Man’s going to try to sell this porn collection to a lot more of our favorite heroes over the course of this movie!
“This movie isn’t just going to be an awesome Spider-Man movie—it’s also going to be a meditation on loss and grief,” MCU mastermind Kevin Fiege wrote on Twitter right after the trailer dropped. “We can’t always choose what kind of porn of loved ones leave us, but we can choose what we do with the porn we inherit, and that’s what this movie’s really about.”
Well, looks like Mr. Feige just proved once again why he’s the biggest genius in the history of Hollywood!
This is seriously some of the most exciting news to come out of the MCU all week! We can’t wait to see Tom Holland back on the big screen as our favorite webslinger trying to hawk the skin mags his dead Uncle forced him to keep in his apartment. Just tell us when pre-order tickets go on sale so we can see it in IMAX on opening night!
