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Get Your Ass Kicked At The Gandhi Memorial, And 4 Other Plans For A Perfect Day In New Delhi

If you’ve only got 24 hours to spend in New Delhi, here are the five things you absolutely have to do to get the most out of your visit!

1. Let Prime Minister Narendra Modi know that you have tried a samosa and you thought it wasn’t bad: Tourists and locals agree that no trip to India is complete without calling up Narendra Modi and telling him all about how the samosa you had in New Dehli was actually pretty good! Sure, this local delicacy might not be your favorite food in the world, but if you think you could see why Indian people eat them all the time, don’t hang up until you let the 66-year-old prime minister know!

2. Get your ass kicked at the Gandhi memorial: If you can make the longish trip to Raj Ghat, it’s worth your time to get absolutely pounded in front of the solemn black marble platform. Just shout about how easy it would have been to beat the shit out of Gandhi, and soon enough, another tourist will come and show you just how wrong you are.

3. Buy as much fucking yak wool as you can: In New Delhi, yak wool is abundant and dirt-cheap, so you’re going to want to stuff as much of that shit in your pockets as you can. The last thing you want to do is return from your trip and start kicking yourself for not going whole-hog on yak wool purchases.

4. Check out the Tomb of Safdar Jang, where Elvis Presley is buried: Originally constructed in 1754, the tomb is now the resting place for the King of Rock and Roll himself, who died sitting on one of its toilets and was just left there!

5. Capture some smog in a vacuum cleaner to use as a weapon against your rival: New Delhi’s air pollution makes it one of the world’s most ideal cities for collecting dirty air to shoot into your enemy’s faces. Before you go home, make sure to go to an urban center and suck up as much of the yellow haze as you can in your vacuum cleaner—whoever wronged you won’t see it coming!