While so much of regular life is on hold due to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, it’s great to know that there are still some activities we can safely enjoy: The CDC says that watching a high school football practice alone in the bleachers while looking sullen and staring longingly at the quarterback who doesn’t even notice you because you wear glasses and have never spoken to anyone at school except your gay best friend is a “low risk” activity for COVID-19.
According to new COVID-19 safety guidelines released by the CDC, sitting all alone in the bleachers after school while watching the quarterback practice as you doodle hearts with his name inside them all over the front of your AP history notebook is a safe activity that does not put you at an increased risk of contracting COVID-19. The CDC says that people can even feel comfortable passionately making out with the quarterback after he dramatically storms off the field and tells you that he’s loved you since the first time he laid eyes on you, so long as the whole thing turns out to be a daydream that you snap out of when a rogue football flies off the field and hits you right in the face. Additionally, because the quarterback is over six feet tall, he will be able to follow social distancing protocol when he stands over you in the bleachers and asks if you’re okay before handing you your broken glasses and running back to practice.
But just because an activity is low risk doesn’t mean that proper precautions shouldn’t be taken.
“When you’re walking across campus while talking on the phone to your gay best friend—who just cattily blew off a customer at the Jamba Juice where he works to answer your call—and whining to him about how the quarterback doesn’t even know you exist because you have brown hair and are on the debate team, it’s essential to wear a mask so that you don’t spread the virus when you accidentally bump into the quarterback, causing all of your books to fall to the ground,” explained CDC director Robert Redfield. “It should be noted, though, that the risk of transmission will increase as the quarterback bends down to help pick up your papers, which is why it’s crucial that both of you leave your masks on as he flips through your biology textbook and realizes that you guys are in the same class, all while your gay best friend can be distantly heard through your phone’s tinny speaker saying, ‘Ohmygod, are you talking to him RIGHT NOW? Get it, girl! You total slutbag!’ before you hang up on him.”
“Further, it is advised that you remain six feet apart when the quarterback asks if he can copy your science homework, and you agree, even though cheating scares you as a straight-A student with your sights set on Yale, because you think it’ll make him like you, although your heart will drop when he walks away saying, ‘Thanks for the homework help, Nancy,’ since Nancy is definitely not your name,” he continued.
Excitingly, the new guidelines state that there are even low risk ways to attend the big party that the quarterback invites you to as a way of thanking you for letting him copy your homework—the very party that your gay best friend assures you is “totally a date” while he helps you do your makeup, going so far as to take off your glasses and straighten your curly hair, proving that you’ve secretly been a total hottie this whole time. However, to minimize exposure to potential carriers, it is best that you wear a mask to the party and only stay just long enough to see the quarterback kissing the head cheerleader across the room, at which point it’s recommended that you run out of the party in tears and avoid making contact with the nerdy guy from your math class who’s chasing after you to see if you’re alright because he’s secretly in love with you, and if you ever just opened your eyes you’d see that he’s a really great guy who actually likes you for who you are, unlike that conceited jock who, in retrospect, you realize has been a huge asshole all along.
Additionally, the CDC says that crying in your parent’s basement after the party while eating ice cream straight out of the carton and watching a rom-com while texting your gay best friend about how things are never going to go your way and you’re doomed to be alone forever is generally considered a safe activity.
Amazing! This is definitely going to be great for high schoolers who are currently lying awake in their beds obsessively looking at the head cheerleader’s Instagram and wondering what she has that they don’t. Thanks to the CDC for bringing us some much-needed good news!