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Honor Code: We Can’t Figure Out How To Set Up An Actual Paywall On This List Of What The ‘Gilmore Girls’ Cast Is Up To Now, So If You Read It Please Mail Us $3

In honor of the 20th anniversary of Gilmore Girls, we’ve decided to check and see what everyone’s been up to since their days in Stars Hollow. Typically, posts like this do huge traffic, and we were hoping to take advantage of that by putting up a paywall. But unfortunately, we have no clue how to get that set up, so we’re putting our faith in you guys to do what’s right and mail us $3 if you read this article.

Lauren Graham (Lorelai Gilmore)

Since playing the iconic coffee-loving, fast-talking Lorelai Gilmore, Lauren Graham has authored three books and starred on the hit NBC show Parenthood. But remember, you can’t read this list unless you plan on giving us $3. We don’t have a way to enforce this, so if you’re not going to send us money, please respect our rules and click out of this page now. 

Alexis Bledel (Rory Gilmore)

Tech-wise, setting up a paywall is a real pain in the ass, and we’d rather not pony up the thousands of dollars it’d take to hire developers to do it for us. Those guys will really bilk you. But we nonetheless need to find a way to make money from the content we put out, so if you’re enjoying reading this article and learning about how Alexis Bledel has kept a steady line of work following her days as everyone’s favorite Yale student, including a recent stint on Hulu’s award-winning show The Handmaid’s Tale, then it’d be cool if you could throw us a few bones. We suggest a $3 donation, but by all means, please feel free to give us more.

Keiko Agena (Lane Kim)

Ideally, something like this would have appeared when you clicked on this article:

It’d be one of those really intense paywalls that doesn’t even let you read articles in a private browser, leaving you with no option but to go in on a subscription. You bums wouldn’t be able to mooch off of us any longer! But, alas, we truly have no clue how to get a paywall like that, and we’re probably not smart enough to figure it out, so why not just send us money in the mail? That’ll make things easier for everyone. 

Oh, also: Since playing Rory’s best friend, Keiko Agena has made a few guest appearances on shows like Better Call Saul and 13 Reasons Why. We are not sharing this information with you for free, by the way. You must give us money. 

Kelly Bishop (Emily Gilmore)

You might remember seeing Kelly Bishop during her recent stints on The Good Wife and Bunheads, but for fans of Gilmore Girls, she’ll always be Rory’s by-the-book grandmother who prioritized rule-following above all else. So you better do what Emily would’ve wanted and mail us money for this article! We know that snail mail isn’t exactly the most efficient method of payment, and we wish we could at least post our Venmo handle for you to send money to, but we’re worried that that might not be legal considering we’ve never seen any other websites put their Venmo handle in articles, and surely other sites would’ve done so by now if that was a lawful option. So snail mail it is. Sorry! 

Melissa McCarthy (Sookie St. James)

From her roles in the hit movies Bridesmaids and Ghostbusters, to starring on her own sitcom Mike & Molly, it’s safe to say that Melissa McCarthy totally blew up post-GG. Unlike Melissa’s booming career, however, digital media is an industry that’s crumbling before our very eyes, and a modest site like ours would be lucky to bring in even a tenth of the revenue that a Hollywood mega-star like McCarthy can generate in a given year. It won’t be long before pretty much every website is forced to put their content behind a paywall to stay afloat, but since we have yet to take that leap (or even figure out how to take that leap), it’d be awesome if everyone could help us out in the meantime by kicking us a few bucks. And on a related note, if there happen to be any tech wizzes out there who are reading this and would like to help us set up a paywall pro bono, definitely hit us up!

Edward Herrmann (Richard Gilmore)

Sadly, beloved Gilmore Girls star Edward Hermann passed away in 2014. Not sure what your religion is, but just in case he’s up in Heaven watching you read this and could one day have some sway on whether or not you get in, wouldn’t you like to show him that you’re a good person who doesn’t just sit back and do nothing while beloved websites plunge so deep into the red that they can’t survive? We’re not 100 percent sure that that’s how Heaven works, but on the likely chance that it is, you better play it safe and mail us $3 so that Ghoul Edward Hermann doesn’t send your ass to Hell.

Scott Patterson (Luke Danes)

Alright, so in order to mail us your $3, please send the cash to our office at 1917 N Elston Ave, Chicago, IL 60642, and address the envelope to ClickHole. We are going to be closely monitoring how many page views this gets, and we will be making sure that the amount of money we bring in matches up. If it doesn’t, we might just have to take this whole article down, and then you’ll never know that Scott Patterson, the beloved coffee slinging owner of Luke’s Diner, now runs his own coffee company. 

Okay, this article is done now. Please log off the computer and go send us money. Thank you.