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I Apologize For Saying That If Lord Voldemort Were Real We Would Give Him Free Domino’s Pizza For Life

Dear Domino’s Customers,

This week, I personally composed and circulated a tweet from my Twitter account that claimed that if the mass-murdering dark wizard Lord Voldemort existed outside of the fictional universe of the Harry Potter novels, Domino’s Pizza would eagerly supply him with a lifetime of free pizza whenever he asked for it:

The views expressed in this tweet are reprehensible and do not meet Domino’s high standards of propriety and professionalism. To make matters worse, I immediately followed this tweet with a second one that reiterated my dedication to providing Lord Voldemort with free pizza:

The reaction to these tweets was overwhelmingly negative. Domino’s received thousands of tweets, phone calls, and emails from dedicated Domino’s costumers and prominent members of the media condemning my words:

This should have been a sign for us as a company—and for me as a businessman—to retract my inflammatory statements and apologize to the people I had offended. Instead, I am ashamed to admit that I stubbornly defended my unconscionable opinions about Lord Voldemort:

Upon further reflection, however, I realize that what I said was completely inappropriate and indefensible. Many people were offended by my words, and rightfully so. Lord Voldemort was one of the most evil wizards of all time. He was responsible for the deaths of countless innocent people, including Harry Potter’s parents, James and Lily Potter. If he existed, he would not deserve free Domino’s pizza. If anything, we would make him pay one or two dollars more than everybody else.

It is, therefore, with great and genuine remorse that I retract my statements regarding the Dark Lord. Domino’s Pizza will never offer a lifetime supply of free pizza to Lord Voldemort, nor will Domino’s ever extend such an offer to any other dark wizard. Domino’s customers are the best in the world, and I will not let them down like this again.

I am truly sorry.


J. Patrick Doyle

Domino’s Pizza