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If People Deleting Facebook Want To Be A Part Of A Social Network, They’re Welcome To Come Connect With Friends Among The Piles Of Belts At Marshalls (by the CEO of Marshalls)

Like most Facebook users around the world, I felt shocked and betrayed when news broke that millions of users’ data had been sold to a political data analysis firm. I decided to delete my Facebook account in light of this heinous breach of security, but found myself missing being able to easily interact with the people close to me. So as the CEO of Marshalls department stores, I felt it was my duty to use my position to reach out and be the change:

If people deleting Facebook want to be a part of a social network, they’re welcome to come connect with friends and family among the piles of belts at Marshalls.

Any ex-Facebook users looking for a new platform are invited to come spend time with acquaintances amongst Marshalls’ hodgepodge shelves of deeply discounted merchandise. Our aisles of ceramic Santa statues, loose stacks of decorative wooden letters, and of course, the Gordian knot of belts organized in no discernible fashion are open to anyone looking for a new place to form groups with others and hold discussions based on their shared interests. And the three or four framed chalkboards leaning against the wall back by the restrooms are available for anyone who deleted Facebook and needs a trusted platform to invite anyone who walks by to events.

To anybody that has decided Facebook is not a safe place for them, I am officially welcoming you to come down to Marshalls and share photos with those around you while browsing our big wall of random phone accessories that aren’t compatible with anything made after 2011. From now on, I want people to know there’s a completely unmanaged dressing-room area at Marshalls where they are encouraged to talk about their favorite movies and vent about a bad Tinder date with friends and family.

Lastly, I promise disenchanted Facebook users that any personal information they share with other shoppers as they rummage through our bins of boxed perfumes, or hold up two identical braided belts and wonder why one costs $8.99 and one costs $14.11, will never be sold or compromised. As CEO, I vow to keep Marshalls a place where anyone can share their political opinions out loud in our aisles of stacked-up sweaters that are for some reason next to the George Foreman Grills without fear of that information being recorded or tracked in any way.

Facebook has betrayed its users, but I am happy to announce that Marshalls is stepping up to the plate to provide a place to connect for those who choose to leave the site. So come join us! Please!