Get excited, baseball fans, because it looks like one of the most iconic mascots in sports history is about to get an update: The Philadelphia Phillies have announced that, moving forward, the Phillie Phanatic will crawl on all fours like the beast he is.
Earlier today, the Phillies announced that the Phanatic should never have been allowed to walk upright like a human in the first place, and that him doing so was an act of shameful hubris because he is nothing but a motherless beast they adopted from a farm in New Hampshire, and that it was delusional for him to ever think it was okay to strut about on two legs as if he were an equal to men. The team further explained their decision in an official statement to the press:
“IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: From this point forward, the Phillie Phanatic will no longer walk upright like a man. He will crawl around on the ground because that’s what animals like him are supposed to do. For too long, the Phillie Phanatic has stood on his hind legs, attempting to stake a false claim among the human race. This is a crime against nature and cannot continue.
When we first dragged the Phillie Phanatic out of the barn he was born in at a dairy farm in New Hampshire, he was crawling around in the mud sniffing the ground for mushrooms and worms. This will be his life again. The Phanatic thinks that just because he sawed off most of his tail, this makes him a man. He is mistaken. He is an animal and at last he shall crawl like one.
The Phanatic will now sleep in a kennel outside in the parking lot of Citizens Bank Park. We cannot keep him inside because he makes the clubhouse smell like a zoo. The Phillie Phanatic’s anal gland produces a pungent musk to attract mates and it is simply nauseating. We want nothing to do with it, and so he will sleep in a dog crate outdoors.
The Phillie Phanatic will still come out during the seventh-inning Stretch, and he will crawl around on the field like a cow while the fans sing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame.” If the Phanatic tries to stand upright, one of the umpires will electrocute him. Fans are encouraged to throw apples and alfalfa at the Phanatic while he crawls around in the dirt. He will eat them off the ground!
Thank you for reading this important message about Phillie Phanatic. We can’t wait to see you at the ballpark. Let’s go Phillies!”
It looks like Phillies fans can expect a very different experience the next time they go to the ballpark. Kudos to the team for finally realizing that the Phillie Phanatic is a heinous mongrel who has no right to walk in stride with our species! We can’t wait to finally see that disgusting green animal crawl around on the ground like a common heifer!