Teachers are known for going above and beyond for their students, but here’s a story of some educators who truly pulled out all the stops to go the extra mile. When Fairview Elementary third-grader Justin Trinelli found out he had lice, his teachers did something incredibly beautiful: They started worshiping him as a fertility god whose body can sustain life.
Talk about dedication!
The lice were discovered during a routine check at the nurse’s office earlier this week, and while Justin was initially embarrassed, his teachers stepped in right away to make him feel special, throwing themselves prostrate before him in reverence of his divine, life-giving scalp. While less-committed teachers might’ve just sent him home for the day and let his mom deal with the lice, the staff at Fairview really went beyond the call of duty for Justin, converting the school’s computer lab into a makeshift temple of worship where the 9-year-old and the tiny parasitic disciples who feast on his holy scalp could be appropriately honored with psalms of praise and offerings of fine adornments, rare fruits, and myrrh.
“Justin’s a great kid, and I’m happy to do whatever I can to help him—even if it means dropping everything to devote my life to celebrating him as an omnipotent Creator who sires new life from the sacred oils of his head,” said third-grade teacher Judith Fisher as she slit the throat of a fattened calf perfumed with its mother’s milk in an effort to win Justin’s favor. “This child is bringing forth an army of righteous six-legged disciples from his sacred dermis for some sublime purpose that is yet beyond our understanding, and the least we can do as teachers is show him we support him and fear him and are willing to die for the glory of his name, if that is something that would please him. It’s students like Justin who remind us why we ever got into teaching in the first place.”
“Justin is merciful and wise,” she continued. “Should he ever need a human female womb to host his seed, I would gladly offer my own as a mortal incubator for his god-spawn.”
If building the boy a temple and bestowing him with many costly offerings wasn’t amazing enough, the teachers at Fairview cashed out all of their pensions and pooled the money together to commission a solid-gold statue of the first louse discovered in Justin’s hair, which they presented to him in an elaborately choreographed ritualistic ceremony in the multi-purpose room. Under the stern direction of music teacher Mr. Wollack, the ceremony featured a solemn yet powerful musical pageant performed by Fairview’s other 457 students titled The Rapture Of The Nits, which chronicled the immaculate genesis and flourishment of the lice on Justin’s scalp through three apocryphal movements (I. The Season Of Itchiness; II. The Great Discovery; III. The Living Alabaster Helmet) and was staged on a painstakingly accurate 50-by-30-foot plywood and papier-mâché scale replica of the child’s lice-infested cranium. However, the ceremony was cut short after it began thundering outside, which Fairview teachers interpreted as a sign of Justin’s displeasure with their display of fealty, prompting them to strip down and brutally flagellate themselves before the boy to seek atonement for their wickedness and to stave off his terrible fury.
Wow. You really have to admire these educators’ commitment to their student and their willingness to do whatever it takes to foster a welcoming learning environment. It just goes to show how much of a difference teachers can make in a child’s life!
