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It’s Not Much: Our 5 Suggestions For Toads 

Toads, we have but five meager suggestions for you. Just a few little tweaks here and there. We think it would really help you out, and if we’re being entirely frank, it would help us out a lot as well. We know change is hard, even for simple-minded animals like toads, but please bear with us. In the end, we think you’ll agree these mere five changes would be for the best.

1. Try another color. Let’s say…hmmm, green maybe?

Look, we hate to argue with millions of years of evolution, but let’s say goodbye to the brown. You guys are always in the mud, so being brown just isn’t serving you well. Sure, camouflage is great for sneaking up on whatever you’re eating (flies, hopefully—YUM!) but there is such a thing as blending into your surroundings TOO much. How can you feel like an individual when you’re basically just part of the mud? Green is the perfect color for you because it’s still natural and earthy but it has WAY more pop and zing. Give it a try! Right now.

2. Ditch those warts! Go smooth!

Everyone loves skin with a little character…except us! We’re here to tell you that you could look soooo much better if all of those boils and bumps and whatnot were replaced with nice, tight, smooth, green skin. Whether this happens through some sort of molting process or via ironing or froom using some high-end Ulta Beauty-type stuff, we don’t really care. We just think it would be to the benefit of everyone if you became very smooth.

3. Change that chirp into more of a sort of a “ribbit” type sound. 

You know when a friend sings karaoke and they think they sound really good but they actually sound terrible? That’s you guys with your chirps. Honestly, we thought it was crickets making that sound up until recently. Now, we don’t know how copyright laws work in the amphibian kingdom but what about going with a ribbit? It’s just so much more…dignified. Try it out. Whatever it takes.

4. Get a LOT more ripped and sleek. 

Let’s be clear that we are absolutely not fat-shaming you in any way, and we think your current frumpy, paunchy look is fine if you want to continue to play the goofy, clumsy, butt-dragging oaf of the swamp in fairy tales and cartoons. But if you want to ever be the handsome, agile PRINCE, you’re going to have to get into shape. Look, we didn’t make society the way it is, we’re just telling it like it is. You toads are gonna be respected a lot more once you ditch the flab and get toned up.

5. Stop being soooo dry. It’s time to get moist and stay that way ALL THE TIME! 

Being dry 24/7 has to be a pretty big drag, and we’re guessing they don’t make lotion for toads. What about if you–and we’re totally just throwing this out there–started living in water and not on land? That would probably make you so wet that you’d never have to worry about dry skin again. Being in the water all the time would be a perfect complement to being green (blend in with algae), being smooth (better aerodynamics for swimming and jumping onto lily pads), ribbiting (sounds good in ponds and creeks), being ripped (won’t sink to bottom like big rock). What we’re saying is, all five of these tiny little changes, IN COMBINATION, for EVERY SPECIES OF TOAD ALL AT ONCE, would really make a big difference. Try it out, and let us know when you’ve implemented all of them! Thanks, toads!