The Washington Post has long kept politicians honest with their Pinocchio rating system, but now it looks like the paper is ready to bring their crusade for truth unto all of mankind. Today the Post announced that all humans are born with 10,000 Pinocchios and can only be freed of the stain of dishonesty by living a life of virtuous truth.
Bravo, WaPo! The public needs to know that they come into this world already guilty of making misleading statements and must strive to purify themselves of this inherent deceit.
“Upon our first breath out of the womb, each baby is already tainted by 10,000 Pinocchios, an inheritance of lies beget from humanity’s countless whoppers,” wrote reporter Glenn Kessler in the Post’s “Fact Checker” blog. “Unless you act to cleanse yourself of these fibs, you shall take the Pinocchios to your grave and spend eternity damned as a liar, liar, pants on fire.”
Fortunately, Kessler revealed that we can escape the burden of our inherited tall tales by adhering to the path of honesty for all our days.
“For each hard truth you admit, you will be absolved of between one and four Pinocchios based on the magnitude of your courage,” the Fact Checker explained. “Slowly and gradually over the course of decades, our Pinocchios can be stripped away, like a mountain eroded into sand by the ever-patient wind, until at last we are rewarded with the infinite bliss of a Geppetto Checkmark of veracity.”
“Hark!” added Kessler. “Beware the temptation of the mostly true statement, the false idol that deceives only through lies of omission. This verbal trickery will not hide your untruths from the all-seeing eyes of the Pinocchios.”
Thank you, Washington Post, for letting the public know they must penitently work to achieve salvation from the exaggerated inaccuracies of our ancestors. It’s good to know that quality journalism still exists!