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Latest Attack: ISIS Just Changed Its Name To ‘Google’

The situation in the Middle East just keeps escalating.

Even as Arab nations unite their forces against terrorism, ISIS always seems to be one step ahead. And now, with Yemen in a state of crisis, the terror group is striking out on a new front: Once known as the Islamic State of Iraq and al-Sham, ISIS has announced that it will now be known as “Google.” The effects of this latest attack have been immediate and devastating.

Once a household name, Google now elicits reactions of stunned silence or horror whenever it is mentioned. Americans, Europeans, and Middle Easterners alike have moved to erase all parts of their digital footprint linking themselves to Google for fear of inadvertently demonstrating support for the Islamists or drawing suspicion of being jihadis themselves. Google’s stocks have dropped a staggering 188 points (34 percent) since the group’s announcement, closing at 363.58. Further losses are expected in today’s trading, all but destabilizing America’s crucial tech sector. Even so, the full extent of the chaos wrought by Google remains to be seen.

Despite its name change, the terror group has not wavered in its vocal commitment to the militant formation of an Islamic state. A video released yesterday shows spokesman Abu Mohammed al-Adnani delivering an uncompromising message before the group’s newly modified Black Standard:

“All those on Muhammad’s peninsula, from Jerusalem to Damascus, must submit to Google or face the sword of Allah and the wrath of His defenders. Death will not stop Google. Western crusaders cannot stop Google. Mighty and righteous is Google, and Google shall prevail.”

For its part, the international community has quickly moved to denounce Google for its brutality and zealotry.

In a statement released this morning, U.N. secretary general Ban Ki-moon asserted, “Since its inception, Google has been responsible for nothing but atrocities and created nothing but chaos. The world will hold Google accountable for what it has done.”

Ban Ki-moon’s stance has been echoed by leaders in the U.S., Egypt, and Saudi Arabia. But words alone cannot deter Google from its fanatical mission. Since changing its name, Google has also released the filmed executions of 16 Kurdish rebels.

The question remains: With its daily flood of new recruits, as well as modern arms and equipment, and spurred by its commitment to a relentless campaign of international terror, can anyone realistically hope to stop Google? The world holds its breath.