Most brands are just happy to have you buy their products and pretty much stay out of telling you specifically what you’re allowed to do with them, but not Pepperidge Farm. The iconic snack brand recently swung their dick around by announcing in no uncertain terms that it’s fine to pour milk on your Goldfish crackers and eat them like cereal if you’ve recently lost a kid of something, but otherwise, fuck that.
And there you have it. Pepperidge Farm has spoken.
Yep, the brand is officially laying down the law on loading up a bowl of their popular bite-sized, cheddar-flavored baked snack and dousing that shit in milk like Count Chocula. As of this week, the back of the packaging for every one of Pepperidge Farm’s many Goldfish cracker varieties will feature a large-print warning asking that consumers not engage in this behavior. The copy reads, “At Pepperidge Farm, we feel for those who have lost a child unexpectedly or have recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. For those Goldfish fans, who are undoubtedly too distraught to make normal meals and may have limited grocery items to choose from, pouring milk on Goldfish crackers and eating them with a spoon like cereal is understandable and allowed. For everyone else, however, FUUUUUUCK that. You’re fucking nasty if you even think about doing that.”
The company’s website goes into further detail to delineate the groups of customers for whom chowing down on a bowl of soggy Goldfish in 2% is permissible. In addition to the aforementioned grieving parents and cancer patients, the list includes people who are being kept locked in a basement by a kidnapper, people who have run over their own pet within the past 24 hours, and suicidal people who need to eat some nasty-ass shit to snap them out of it. Otherwise, the website makes it clear that, “Even if you’re a war hero or an ER nurse, no, you cannot put a snack with so much bold, cheesy flavor in milk and go at that shit like it’s Frosted Flakes. Even if no one’s around to see you do it, you sick freak. NO.”
Well, if you had any questions about this, there you go.
So what do you think? Is this something you’ve always wanted to try? Are you disappointed that Pepperidge Farm is putting their foot down like this? Are you the parent who recently lost a child who is relieved to know that doing this is okay? Let us know in the comments! And remember, we don’t make the Goldfish-related rules here, Pepperidge Farm does. Happy snacking!