The drinking age may be 21, but that doesn’t mean you can’t bend the rules a little bit for toddlers who are dressed up like classy, miniature adults. Here are nine children under 4 who deserve to be served alcohol because of the way they’re dressed.
1. Michael
Any bartender who wouldn’t pour this well-dressed little fella a beer is a complete asshole. Sure, the law states that children should not be given alcohol, but those laws weren’t written with kids dressed like fancy little businessmen in mind. Michael is really rocking his suit vest and wire-framed glasses, and his untucked tie is just the icing on the cake. There’s absolutely no reason this kid shouldn’t be given an adult-sized mug of porter to have all to himself, followed by as many more mugs as he wants.
2. Wen
Look, if this little clotheshorse walked into a liquor store and set a bottle of brandy on the counter, the right thing to do would clearly be to sell it to him, no questions asked. All wisdom regarding not letting toddlers have booze goes out the window when you’re talking about a cool customer like this who’s simply owning the unbuttoned-gingham-suit-with-a-misplaced-bowtie look. If a kid’s dressed like this you give them booze. Period.
3. Kaylee
Kaylee may only be 2, but when she’s wearing this edgy punk ensemble, you’d be utterly remiss not to serve her as much alcohol as she wants to drink, be it beer, wine, or hard liquor and spirits. Just let her drink. She deserves it.
4. Jason
Yeah, so if a toddler has a perfectly tailored tuxedo that they actually own and not rent, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with setting a stiff martini and a cigar on their toy piano for them to sip and puff in between tunes. It’s that easy. When a preschooler is dressed like someone who drinks and smokes stogies, then they should be able to do so. No pediatrician, cop, or parent can argue with that.
5. Connor
Here’s the thing: All of those studies that say alcohol is bad for kids were based on kids who dress like babies. On the other hand, a little dandy like Connor—who dresses more grown-up than most so-called adults—deserves a little vodka in his bottle for having himself so put together. Connor would blend right in at a fancy gallery opening in New York or on a red carpet in L.A., and that’s why you should have no reservations about mixing him a nice, strong Long Island Iced Tea. We’re not talking about a sip off Dad’s drink. Get Connor his own damn cocktail.
6. Tia
It’s absolute horse shit that we live in a world where there are people who would deny a toddler dressed like this a tall glass of straight liquor. What, you think Tia can’t handle her booze just because she’s 3? Look at the way she’s dressed! Tia’s got herself put together like a true fashionista, and that merits an unlimited flow of Kahlúa directly into her sippy cup.
7. Tyler
Even the most ardent teetotaler has got to admit that if a toddler is dressed in chambray and a brightly colored bowtie like they just stepped out of a J. Crew catalog like our little Tyler here, then that entitles said toddler to a gin and tonic. Keep in mind, just because Tyler is under 4 doesn’t mean the drink can’t be mixed pretty stiff: He is, after all, dressed just like an adult.
8. Rainn
Give Rainn here a bottle of tequila with a crazy straw in it, because by dressing to the nines, this kid has earned the right to double-fist Bloody Marys after a long day at pre-school. Hell, light him a cigarette, too, while you’re at it. Cheers, Rainn.
9. Soren
Quit the B.S. and pour Soren a glass of scotch and lay out a line of coke, already. Just look at that peacoat. He deserves it.
