Mom is usually there for us through thick and thin, but there have been times she’s really let us down. Here are five times she had a queef attack right when everyone needed her most.
1. At Dad’s intervention
Back in 2017, Dad’s drinking was getting out of hand and we couldn’t allow his alcoholism to continue to tear the family apart, so we arranged an intervention. Everyone who cared about him was there, all of his children, his parents, his boss, even his brother Al who flew in from Phoenix. Everything was going really well…until Mom’s queefing began. Uncle Al was in the middle of reading a piece he wrote about how much my dad meant to him growing up with tears in his eyes when Mom ripped a giant queef that literally rattled the windows.
Everyone pretended not to hear it, but Uncle Al lost his train of thought and was having a tough time finding his place in his reading, so everything was quiet when Mom’s next queef quacked out of her vagina. Al pretended that he needed to get up to get some water while mom attempted to muffle her queefing vagina with a decorative pillow as everyone in the room sat there in awkward silence. Mom knew how important this day was for the entire family, but there she was, blasting out a steady stream of robust, couch-tearing queefs and ruining everything. The intervention never got back off the ground, and Dad’s drinking problem has continued to this day.
2. When Hailey thought she was pregnant
Mom has always been the type of mom we can tell anything to, so when Hailey missed her period when she was 16 and was completely mortified thinking that she was pregnant, she felt totally comfortable confiding in her. What she wasn’t prepared for, however, were the steady gusts of queef-wind that sputtered out from between Mom’s thighs throughout the entire conversation. Mom attempted to talk over the queefing by saying something about “Being with you every step of the way, no matter what happens,” but at that point all Hailey could hear was, “Queef queef queef,” and Mom’s message of solidarity and compassion was completely overshadowed by all the wacky rumbles and squeaks blurting out of her groin. The pregnancy ended up being a false alarm, but thanks to the queef attack, Hailey hasn’t really confided anything to Mom since.
3. When she got up to deliver Grandma’s eulogy
When Grandma died, everyone in the family was a mess because she’d always been the family matriarch. Mom knew all of this, so she worked hard on her eulogy in hopes of lifting everyone’s spirits and honoring Grandma’s memory. But the one thing she didn’t do was make sure she got all of her queefs out of her canal before she got up to speak.
Sadly, Mom hadn’t even gotten through the first line of her eulogy when she honked out a queef so loud that the microphone picked it up and sent piercing feedback through the PA system. She quickly angled the microphone away from her boisterous vagina and tried to re-deliver her line about Grandma being unlike any woman she’d ever known, but unfortunately everyone was too distracted by the lurid exhalations blasting from Mom’s pants to focus on what she was saying. Finally, she asked for a moment of silent reflection and prayer, which she then immediately spoiled by letting out a high-pitched pussy whistle that lasted a good seven seconds. We know Mom wasn’t doing it on purpose, but it upstaged Grandma at her own funeral and made it impossible for us to properly grieve.
4. During the fire
Normally, Mom really steps up to the plate when there’s any kind of emergency, but when the house caught on fire last July, all she could do was queef. It would have been great for her to give us some sort of guidance while we were all screaming in a smoky house at 3 AM, but instead she just clutched her stomach and emptied her entire clip—just one rowdy queef after another as we were literally all scrambling for our lives. There was a time that we all used to look up to Mom. The queefing has honestly put a damper on that.
5. When we were on Family Feud
When we got selected to appear on Family Feud, it was one of the most exciting moments of our lives, but once the big day arrived, it was Mom’s queef hole that stole the spotlight. Steve Harvery tried to roll with Mom’s queefing as much as he could, asking, “You a little excited today, Miss?” when the first one howled audibly throughout the entire studio, but he quickly lost his patience as the vaginal squawking persisted, eventually calling over an on-set medic to make sure Mom didn’t need to go to the hospital or anything. Her queefing was so distracting that we didn’t end up getting a single guess right. When the survey question was “Things you take to the beach,” Keith accidentally blurted out, “Queefs!” We figured they would edit out Mom’s queefing before airing the episode, but nope. The queefs were broadcast loud and clear to a syndicated audience of millions. Obviously, Mom was extremely embarrassed about having a queef attack on national TV, but she deserved to be. She could not have disappointed us more, and we’ve never looked at her the same way since.
