A few months ago I realized I had become completely dependent on modern technology. The conveniences of the digital age had left me glued to my phone, and I had forgotten what it was like to engage with the real world with no screens to get in the way. Well, recently I decided that enough was enough and in a grand and dramatic gesture I deleted iBeer from of my phone. I still used my phone for everything else, but I no longer had an app that allowed me to pretend to drink a digital beer, and that completely changed my life. Here are four things I learned after deleting iBeer.
1. Real beer tastes horrible.
Now that I couldn’t drink digital beer using iBeer, I had to start drinking real beer that I bought from the supermarket or ordered at a bar, and I was completely shocked to learn how horrible it tastes. Beer is bitter and filled with bubbles and I do not care for it at all. When I still had iBeer on my phone, I was drinking between 10 and 15 digital beers every day, but since I unplugged and deleted it from my phone I’ve had to drink between 10 and 15 real beers daily, and each one tastes worse than the last. It is miserable. I miss iBeer.
2. People don’t think you’re cool for drinking real beer like they do when you drink digital beer.
Back when I had iBeer downloaded on my phone, everyone thought I was awesome. People would watch me drink digital beer using the iBeer app and say things like, “That’s amazing,” and, “You are cool because of iBeer. Much cooler than me. Technology is awesome and you are awesome for using technology.” Now when I drink real beer in front of people they say things like, “I don’t care about that. It’s regular.” iBeer made me a superstar who everyone clapped for. Real beer made me a boring idiot who nobody thought about, even when I was sick.
3. Police officers get angry at you for drinking real beer in the car.
Back when I had iBeer on my phone, I used to drink digital beer in my car while driving 30 to 40 miles per hour over the speed limit. I did this because driving really fast makes police officers want to pull you over so they can meet you and ask you how you learned to drive so fast. Then when they saw me drinking digital beers with iBeer they would be really impressed by how cool the app was and they would sometimes let me borrow their guns to shoot wild animals. However, once I deleted iBeer and switched to drinking real beer in the car, the police officers who pulled me over started getting angry at me. Instead of letting me borrow their guns, they sent me to jail and yelled at me.
4. Mice cannot survive in a fish tank filled with beer.
When I deleted iBeer from my phone, I ended up buying about 200 gallons of real beer on the internet in order to replace all the digital beer I used to drink. This meant that I had some leftover beer, which I decided to use to fill up a fish tank. Once I had the fish tank filled with beer I figured I should use it to do science experiments. The first experiment I did was to drop a mouse inside the fish tank to discover whether living in a fish tank full of beer would make the mouse more healthy or less healthy. After careful observation, I discovered that the mouse appeared to be both dead and less healthy after living in the fish tank filled with beer. I sent my results to many different scientific universities, such as Harvard in Boston and Oxford in Oxford, and all of them were very impressed and some of them gave me the Nobel Prize. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t deleted iBeer from my phone, so I guess that was the one good thing that happened when I went off the grid and started drinking real beer instead of digital beer.
