There are so many beautiful moments that mark the start of a loving long-term relationship, from the first date to the first kiss to the first “what are we?” conversation. But you and your partner have gone through all those already, and now it’s time to take another major step forward together: Your friends from childhood have come to town to tell your current significant other everything that’s wrong with you.
How romantic! It’s time to take your relationship to the next level!
Your significant other may have met some of your friends and family here and there over the course of your time together, but this weekend, something even more significant is about to take place: Three of your absolute best friends from the time you were eight are staying at your apartment, and they are gleefully making your SO aware of all the greatest shames and humiliations from your past. Almost the second your friends burst through the door to embrace you and give your significant other a first look over, they began calling you by your childhood nickname of “Cooter”—a moniker you never mentioned to your partner since it refers to a time you confidently shouted out “cooter” to answer a human anatomy question in fifth grade sex ed, which your friends found hilarious but which still causes you to cringe to this day. And now the love of your life finally knows about it, too! This is such a special day for the two of you!
You might have hoped that the “cooter” story was the most embarrassing thing you’d have to endure over the next 72 hours, but your friends were just getting started: As soon as you got to dinner at your favorite local spot, they grabbed your SO and yelled “WAIT, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?” before pulling up an excruciatingly bad picture of you dressed up as a candlestick for the ninth grade school musical (something you would never, under any circumstances, have voluntarily shown anyone, let alone the person you are in a sexual relationship with). Your significant other was then encouraged to peruse an entire album of harrowing high-school-era images of you while your friends offered commentary on the mortifying circumstances that gave rise to each photo, revealing as they did so that all the cool parties you’ve always implied you went to were actually low-key get togethers where you were the only one who was afraid to drink in case it affected your chances of getting into your dream college (which your SO now knows you didn’t).
Your friends then went the extra mile to make this mortifying moment extra special by asking the waitress if she could keep your burger separate from your fries since you “freak out” if your food touches—a comment you laughed off for your SO’s benefit even through the truth is that you regularly had food-touching-related anxiety attacks up through the age of 15.
How amazing that all these hidden parts of your past are getting paraded out in front of your romantic partner! You are officially entering a new phase of your relationship.
Your friends have resolved to turn the rest of the weekend into an enchanting whirlwind of humiliating stories about some of the lowest and most regrettable moments of your life! A conversation about film quickly turned into a story about the time you drank too much soda at a sleepover and slightly peed yourself while watching Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, and your friends were not able to keep themselves from asking your partner whether they have “met” Doggy, a threadbare dog stuffed animal you currently have wedged in a box of keepsakes under your bed. The song about recycling you wrote and performed on the acoustic guitar for seventh grade social studies, the fact that you wore the same pair of Kohl’s sweatshorts every day for a whole summer because you “liked the way they felt on your skin,” the time you drunk-FaceTimed six different people in college because you’d just thrown up on your crush’s living room floor—all these anecdotes and more are on full display, letting your significant other know that not only are you a total freak, but also that you’ve carefully hidden your dozens of fucked-up qualities from them in a pathetic attempt to secure their love.
What a weekend! This is truly a huge milestone in your relationship, and it’s got to be exhilarating to experience it. Let’s just say that if your significant other still wants to stay with you after a weekend with your hometown friends, your relationship can probably survive pretty much anything. Here’s hoping it goes well!