Press "Enter" to skip to content

Market Frenzy: Apple Stocks Have Skyrocketed After News Broke That The Business Pig Was Walking Around The Company’s Office

If you’re an investor with holdings in Apple you’ve got to be jumping up and down with joy at today’s unprecedented market activity: Apple stocks skyrocketed today after news broke that the business pig was walking around the company’s office.

Incredible. The business pig’s visit is a strong signal to investors that Apple’s financial footing is more solid than ever.

After opening the day at 185.11, shares of AAPL quickly shot up to over 450 by noon Eastern Standard Time when investors caught wind that the business pig had walked into Apple headquarters and was sniffing out a trash bin just outside CEO Tim Cook’s office. By the time the business pig had trotted over to the tech company’s cafeteria in his waistcoat and bow tie and started squealing at employees for a few spare lunch scraps, Apple had already experienced its largest single-day gain in company history. Prices did experience some volatility later in the day when it was reported that the business pig had thrown up, as investors took this as a possible sign of trepidation by the business pig, but they rebounded when the pig then ate the vomit.

The business pig gracing the Apple offices with its presence shot investor confidence sky-high, resulting in a more than 300 percent surge in stock prices.

All in all, AAPL prices topped out at 595.91 midday when sources reported that the business pig was dashing around the Apple offices on a sugar high from a discarded muffin it found in the trash, but they had leveled off at 570.20 by market closing when it trotted back outside onto the company campus and started licking a ketchup stain on the sidewalk.

Needless to say, Apple investors are hoping for another showing of the business pig tomorrow but will have to wait and see if it’s impressed enough by Apple’s market performance to make its way back into the building from out in the campus flowerbeds where it’s currently rolling around in the dirt.