Sorry, but there are far too many mushrooms here for you. You simply don’t have the endurance to make it through this entire list of eight different mushrooms, but if you really want to try, go ahead and knock yourself out. You will not make it.
1. White button mushroom
This is a nice mushroom, but don’t get cocky. This is the easy part. Just because you looked at one white button mushroom and survived doesn’t mean you have what it takes to handle the exhaustive parade of mushrooms that is still to come. This will not be fun or easy for you. It will end badly.
2. Morel
You must be a true glutton for punishment if you are legitimately trying to comprehend a second mushroom. You should stop now, because if you’re foolish enough to keep going, then soon your senses will be ravaged by a series of mushrooms, and you will be an utter ruin of the person you once were. Stop reading this list now before the mushrooms overwhelm you.
3. Shiitake
At this point, you’re probably starting to feel a little freaked out by all the mushrooms that are happening to you. Well, too bad. These mushrooms have no sympathy for your fragile constitution. They will not hear you if you begin to scream in agony. They will not stop if you beg for mercy. This list of mushrooms is well underway and will continue long after you are gone, like time itself.
4. Porcini
After looking at three other mushrooms, you’re probably so exhausted you can barely even see, and yet there’s still another mushroom that you must try to understand. Well, it’s time to grow the fuck up. If you don’t find a way to keep reading about mushrooms without losing consciousness, then you may never wake up. You’re in the middle of a mushroom storm now, and at this point the only way out is through.
5. Enoki (Flammulina velutipes)
This is impossible. There are already too many mushrooms on this list for anyone to comprehend, and yet somehow, we are not finished. Look at yourself—you’re sitting in a puddle of your own sweat and piss like a goddamn animal. This is who you are now. This is what the mushrooms have reduced you to. Everything is mushrooms, and it’s all your fault.
6. Hen of the woods
Attempting to understand so many mushrooms in a row is like trying to hold water in your hands: Things are slipping through the cracks. Learning about this new mushroom means that something else must go away. Think carefully. Do you remember your name? Do you remember where you are? Your mind is slipping away. The mushrooms are winning. The mushrooms always win. We warned you.
7. Chanterelle
If you’re somehow still reading about this seventh mushroom then you probably only have seconds of consciousness left. Your brain is screaming, you see a warm light in the distance, and you are filled with deep regret. This was never going to work out. Eight mushrooms is just too fucking many. You knew that from the beginning, but like Icarus, you flew too close to the sun, and all that’s left is the fall. Was it worth it for these eight unique mushrooms? Are you happy with what you’ve done?
8. Oyster
There’s literally no way you made it to the final mushroom, so it no longer matters what we say here. You’re either dead or unconscious. You will never know about this beautiful oyster mushroom, which is native to Japan. You’re nothing but the empty husk of a person. We’re screaming into a void. We could say fucking anything. In fact, we lied about that mushroom. Oyster mushrooms are cultivated in Germany. It doesn’t even matter. The mushroom list is now finally complete, but at what cost?
