Hey, everyone! I’ve already posted this question on many other websites and haven’t really gotten a satisfactory answer, so I thought I’d post it here. ClickHole was my last choice for where to publish this (or anything), but I think I’ve exhausted all other options. Anyway, I’m having a bit of a social dilemma that I’d love some help solving. Here’s the situation:
My neighbor Milo (67M) and I (67M) have lived next door to each other for over 30 years. We are not friends, but we’ve also never shot guns at each other. Yesterday Milo knocked on my door holding a freshly baked cherry pie that had the words “Neighbor Is The Man Who Lives Nearby” written on it in frosting. This was an unexpected and extremely kind gesture, and I was genuinely moved. To thank Milo for the pie, I hit him in the head with a mahogany table leg, dragged his unconscious body to my snail area, and let my snails devour him slowly. However, instead of smiling at me and giving me a thumbs up, Milo responded to my act of gratitude by screaming in agony and begging me to rescue him from the snails. This unexpectedly negative response from my neighbor has left me wondering: Am I the asshole in this situation?
A bit of context: My snails are ravenous and cruel. Getting eaten by them hurts more than getting burned alive. It’s probably also worth mentioning that Milo missed his son’s high school graduation to bake me this pie, and that he loves his life and family and did not want to die when I killed him. Did I do something wrong when I murdered him with my snails as a way of saying, “Thank you for the delicious pie?” He really seemed upset with me as his body dissolved beneath the swarm of snails like a sugar cube in a teacup, and I feel like I need a third party to weigh in on this.
I guess I should also mention that earlier that morning, Milo had donated a kidney to me. I don’t currently need a new kidney, but I had mentioned to Milo recently while he was building a statue of me in my yard that I really wanted an extra kidney just in case something happened to one of mine in the future. Milo stopped what he was doing and drove us to the hospital, where he asked the surgeons to remove one of his kidneys and give it to me. As a way to thank Milo for this generous gift, I asked the doctors not to use any anesthesia on him while they cut him open and removed his kidney, so that he could be awake during the entire procedure and watch me smiling at him while his organ got taken out. I smiled at him while he screamed and screamed and the doctors did their dark work.
After the surgery, Milo drove me home and I didn’t even complain when he started bleeding all over his car or when he passed out at a traffic light. I just politely electrocuted him with my weapon until he woke up and kept driving. As soon as he got home, he crawled into his house, and started baking me the cherry pie. So for those of you keeping score at home, Milo had done two nice things for me (kidney and pie), and in return I did three nice things for him (kept him awake with electricity while he was driving, hit him extremely hard in the head with a gorgeous mahogany table leg, and fed him to my snails), and somehow he still had the gall to yell at me while my snails devoured him. It just doesn’t really add up for me, is all.
So yeah, I mean, if anyone with a more objective view of the situation could offer some perspective, that would be great. My neighbor is still alive, but he is beyond saving (mostly dissolved except for his brain, which is now communicating no signal but agony) so I will immediately block and report any know-it-all who snarkily tells me to “save Milo from the snails.” I’ve had several people on other websites tell me to do that and I’ve blocked and reported them all because it is NOT HELPFUL. Any other advice or tips would be very much appreciated. Do your thing, internet!
