Baldness can definitely be a sore subject for many men, but the way Dad is trying to cover up his hair loss is honestly ten times more embarrassing: Dad has disguised his bald spot as a big bloody wound and is claiming that an eagle swooped down and took a chunk out of his scalp while he was sleeping in a meadow.
Come on, Dad. You’re not fooling anyone with this scalp-eating-meadow-eagle stunt.
Dad has been going bald for approximately ten years at this point, but for whatever reason he chose this week to paint an elaborate wound on his head right where his bald spot sits, and has started telling anyone who will listen that he recently got pecked within an inch of his life by a bald eagle that descended upon him while he was taking a midday nap in a grassy field. There’s a lot going on with his story: First of all, Dad spends all his time either at the office or in the garage working on his car, not taking naps on the ground, let alone “among the wildflowers” the way he keeps describing. And there isn’t even a recognizable meadow in our town—but he keeps referring to “the meadow where my head got like this” as if we all know what the fuck he’s talking about. Even worse is the fact that he insists that the eagle pulled off his skin “straight down to the bone,” despite the fact that on the day of the alleged eagle attack we all saw him come home from Home Depot looking perfectly healthy. Apparently there are no lengths dad won’t go to to disguise the fact that he’s going bald.
We all knew you were bald, dad? Chill?
Dad has also taken to spending an entire hour in the bathroom every morning where he previously only spent five minutes, and he’s clearly using his time in there to create the artificial wound. Mom found a huge credit card charge on the account for fake blood and professional special effects makeup, but Dad refused to fess up to it and even spent hours on the phone disputing the charge with Capital One. Rather than give it up, he keeps feigning flashbacks to the moment the eagle allegedly descended upon him as he “slumbered like a child upon the greenery,” and began ripping at his “healthy head of hair.” He insists that he could “see the eagle’s fury in its eyes” even as he’s leaning back in his armchair and we can all see the thick layer of fake gore makeup sort of lifting from his skin and squishing back onto the upholstery.
So fucking ridiculous. Dad scheduled an MRI for next week to make sure the eagle didn’t “hit brain,” which is going to be a huge waste of money, not to mention a waste of time for Mom who has to take off work to drive him there. Let’s hope Dad accepts his baldness soon, because this is out of control.
