Well, this fucking SUCKS. If you were hoping to get laid at tonight’s Sigma Chi rager, we’re sorry to say you’d better quit fluffing your dick and head to some other party in UT-Austin’s Greek scene, because the odds here are completely, utterly fucked: The dude-to-gnome at this party is way, way off.
There’s, like, six dudes for every gnome that came to this party. FUCK.
Even though the pledges working the front gate weren’t supposed to let any guy in unless they had three gnomes with them—a MINIMUM of three gnomes, not that hard to understand!!!—somehow, it’s become a goddamn sausage fest (stupid fucking cargo-shorts-wearing pledges are going to get their asses hazed tomorrow, that is for damn sure). For real, there are only, like, five gnomes here! And two of them are dating guys in the frat, so only three of them are even available. FUCK! What’s worse is that not a single gnome looks like they’re having a good time either. They’re just standing around texting, twirling their long gray beards, probably letting all their gnome friends know this party is a total bust. None of the gnomes have even taken off their pointy red hats, like they’re ready to split the moment they hear of a better party going down in West Campus.
You can’t blame these gnomes for avoiding the dance floor when it’s just a sea of guys out there. Although there is one gnome grinding with two guys at once. Maybe that’ll encourage the other gnomes to loosen up and join them? Then again, that gnome’s being super fucking slutty, and the way he’s guiding both frat brothers’ hands under the big belt buckle around his waist is just trashy as hell. Not a good look if we want quality gnomes coming to this party.
Seriously. This shit’s a problem. If more gnomes don’t show up soon, the rest of them are going to leave. And then no one’s hooking up with any gnomes tonight.
Word going around is that all the gnomes are heading over to Delta Tau Delta’s rager tonight. The rich fucks apparently shelled out and got Chiddy Bang to perform in their backyard. How are we going to compete with that?! Chiddy Bang is going to get his dick wet inside a dozen, perfect 10 gnomes tonight, and we’re going to be over here, drinking lukewarm Keystones and playing Beerio Kart like some freshman geeds once everyone ditches in search of better parties—
Oh, great. Fucking great. The slutty gnome on the dance floor just went into the bathroom with both guys, so that’s one less gnome you can shoot your shot with.
Honestly, it might just be time to cut your losses and leave. Even if a bunch of gnomes showed up right now, they’d turn around as soon as they saw how whack the vibes are here. Let’s just hope word doesn’t get around to other gnomes about how lame this party was, ‘cause otherwise we can kiss our chances of fucking a gnome goodbye for the rest of the semester.
