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Oh My God: Dad Just Let It Slip That He Thinks Of Himself As Stoic

Look, it’s no secret that self-awareness isn’t exactly Dad’s strong suit, but the old man just casually mentioned something that suggests his perception of himself is even more out of whack than previously believed: Dad just let it slip that he thinks of himself as stoic. 

LMAO, what?!? Sorry, Pops, but that assessment is WILDLY off the mark. 

Dad revealed this incredibly inaccurate opinion of himself earlier today in response to a story Mom was telling about how a couple they know is experiencing marital difficulties partly due to the husband’s emotional inaccessibility, to which he replied with a completely straight face that, “I mean, the fact is that men of our generation are just stoic by nature. I don’t let my feelings show, either.” It was a truly bewildering statement to hear from a man who literally throws a tantrum every time he’s forced to use self-checkout at a store, and who once refused to eat dinner one night because Mom didn’t buy his preferred brand of mustard to have with bratwurst, and who just this week has been whining nonstop every day about how the shade from the neighbors’ new gazebo is causing the grass along the property line in our yard to yellow. Empirically and indisputably, Dad is an overly sensitive, immature little bitch, and it is utterly baffling how he somehow arrived at this idea of himself as an emotionally steady, rock-of-the-family type.

Perhaps all the WWII movies he watches have rubbed off on him and made him feel like he’s some kind of solemn “man of few words” who quietly sips scotch at night to deal with his demons, but it’d take some next-level mental gymnastics to reconcile this notion with his actual, real-life behavior, which is so driven by stress and rage that he literally has to take prescription medication every day for his blood pressure. Like, have you ever seen this guy try to maintain his composure when ordering at a drive-thru? Dude’s an absolute mess. He is basically just an overweight, sentient mass of emotional volatility that at any moment could erupt at the slightest provocation.  

Seriously, how could he possibly see himself as stoic? What’s going on in his little pig brain that made him arrive at such a batshit conclusion?

But, hey, whatever. If Dad wants to portray himself as stoic despite the fact that he once punched a hole in the living room drywall because the Bears shanked a game-winning field goal attempt, he can go ahead. Not like anyone listens to him anyway. Fuckin’ doofus.