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Our 10 Favorite Features Of Tesla’s Affordable New Car

Tesla’s Elon Musk announced this week the company’s plans to introduce a new line of cars at half the price of previous models. Here are the features of the $35,000 Tesla Model 3 we already wish we had in our cars:

1. Collision avoidance technology: Each car comes equipped with highly rated collision avoidance technology, because it fears death as much as you do

2. No knowledge of mother: Has never known its mother, so it will imprint you as its parent and follow you everywhere

3. Doubles as clock: Each car versatile enough to also work as a clock

4. Onboard computer now has only 15 percent chance of turning evil: Special update drastically reduces chances of A.I. turning on user

5. Bee sensor: If the Model 3 detects that a bee has gotten into the car, an ejector seat automatically fires the driver through the roof to safety

6. Blue

7. Don DeLillo: All Model 3s briefly sat in by American author Don DeLillo

8. Restless ghost of an unbaptized child: In a somewhat controversial feature, all units will come standard with the restless ghost of an unbaptized child, which intermittently unleashes blood-curdling shrieks and forces the car to veer full speed toward large, dark bodies of water

9. Electro-beam: With a fully charged battery, the Model 3 can either travel 200 miles or emit one devastating electro-beam

10. Glove compartment: It is anticipated that the car will probably have a glove compartment