Press "Enter" to skip to content

Pathetic: This Company Has All Of Your Data And Can’t Even Sell You A Candle

Americans love to buy things off the internet, and social media platforms have made it absurdly simple for brands to target consumers on a very micro level, yet for some reason, there are still some businesses that still can’t figure out how to reach consumers. Point in case: this company has pretty much all of your personal data and yet they can’t even manage to sell you a single candle.

Pitiful! C’mon, guys, it’s really not that hard. 

Despite having full access to your age, gender, location, and information on all the brands and content you follow online, internet retailer Rosewood Candle Co. has for some inexplicable reason been totally unable to get you to pony up $25 for one of their Relax Bomb triple-wick soy wax candles. For weeks, the company has been absolutely bombarding you with sponsored ads in your feed, targeted videos in your stories, and various giveaways, yet they somehow haven’t managed to get a single cent of your money, even though you’re typically a huge sucker for fancy home goods shit like this. 

It is utterly baffling that Rosewood Candle Co. hasn’t figured out how to convert you into a customer considering the borderline irresponsible amount of personal data you’ve basically handed them on a silver platter. Selling stuff to you when your interests, consumer preferences, and engagement habits are so readily available should be like shooting fish in a barrel, yet Rosewood is still managing to fail where HelloFresh, Wayfair, Everlane, Corkcicle, Meyer’s hand soap, Baggu, Summersalt Swimwear, Madewell, Pure Botanicals, ThirdLove, several natural deodorant brands, Uncommon Goods, Parachute, cutesy greeting cards, West Elm, ASOS, Glossier, that company that puts pictures of your dog on socks, Thrive Market, Ted Lasso on Apple TV+, sweetgreen, Calm app, that portable fire pit thing you bought, Chambord, and Rothy’s all easily succeeded. It’s pathetic!

Beyond just straight-up giving them your social security number or DNA sequence, there’s honestly not much more you can do to tee this up for Rosewood. Not only can they zero in on your most intimate browsing habits and interests with just a few quick clicks, Instagram literally gives them access to the most sophisticated marketing algorithms known to man. With that kind of power, they shouldn’t just be able to sell you a $25 candle—they should be able to milk you of every last cent you have. 

Seriously, it’s a piece of cake!

The internet has made targeting and manipulating consumers easier than ever before, and if you can’t figure out how to trick millennials with excess disposable income and predictably bougie spending habits to shell out for ethically made scented fucking candles, then you have no business being a business. Just close up shop and become a chimney sweep or a wagon maker or something old timey like that, because you are just not ready to hack it in 21st century direct retail.