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Please, No One Come Trick-Or-Treating To My House This Year, For I Will Be Masturbating To Pornography

Every year, October 31 marks the day that children around the country go door-to-door trick-or-treating. It’s a fun tradition that encourages not just large amounts of candy consumption, but also creativity. Unfortunately, this year I will be unable to participate in these trick-or-treat festivities, for I will be spending Halloween inside my home masturbating to pornography.

I want it to be known that my home on Winchester Ave., in South Beloit, IL, will be off-limits to trick-or-treaters this year because I will be watching pornographic videos and amusing myself. Signage on all entrances to my house will make it clear that under no circumstances will I remove my hand from my penis to answer the door.

Great care has been taken to ensure that I am free from interruption while I masturbate. There shall be a bag of Twizzlers hanging from my fence, and from this bag you may select a strawberry twist. If there is no more candy left, do not knock on my door, because, again, I will be inside masturbating to pornography, possibly with headphones on.

I have the entire evening blocked off for numerous rounds of masturbation…

Passersby may note that my house is darkened throughout the night. This is not an effort to make my home appear spooky or scary, but rather an indication that I am in my small bedroom enjoying a wide assortment of adult films of varied styles and formats. I have the entire evening blocked off for numerous rounds of masturbation, so it doesn’t matter how early or late you arrive.

Again, to be clear:

Do not come to my door on Halloween.

All of the candy I have is hanging on the fence.

Help yourself to the Twizzler of your choice.

I will be masturbating to pornography.

As a minor additional note, some people may notice that I am dressed as Marvel’s Thor character wielding a large plastic hammer. Do not take this to mean that I am available for tricks or treats. This is simply how I masturbate.

I hope my instructions are clear. I wish you all a very happy and very safe Halloween.