Press "Enter" to skip to content

Ranking Senate Candidates Based On How Rowdy They’d Let A House Party Get Before Reining It In

. at 0x7fa4ae9d0950>

It’s Election Day across the U.S., and the way Americans vote will have a profound impact on the political and economic course the nation will take in the coming years. It’s important to be informed about the election before you hit the polls, which is why we’ve assembled these rankings of key Senate candidates based on how rowdy they’d let a house party get before trying to put a lid on things.

6. Sen. Mark Pryor (D), Arkansas

“I don’t very much care for balls-to-the-wall partying, and I think it should be punishable by jail time.” As demonstrated by this quote from one of his campaign ads, Pryor does not mince words when it comes to house parties. A former chairman of the Commerce Subcommittee on Consumer Protection, Product Safety, and Insurance, Pryor is a card-carrying buzzkill. People with strong pro-rager beliefs should consider casting their vote for someone else.

5. David Perdue (R), Georgia

Perdue has persistently dodged questions about this topic, but speaking at a campaign rally in July, the Republican nominee insisted that, “As long as nothing illegal [was] happening, I’d let people have as much fun as they want—let the record show that I am firmly pro-party.” Yet, given Perdue’s past as vice president of Haggar Clothing, it’s hard to see him as anything but the polar opposite of a party animal.

4. Mike Rounds (R), South Dakota

Early in his political career, Rounds maintained a largely pro-party-time record, but this eventually changed as he adopted a stricter moralist agenda to appease value voters in his state. Yet within the course of two weeks on the current campaign trail, Rounds told reporters both, “I think parties are fun as hell,” and “I believe that parties should go no later than eleven o’clock, at the latest,” making it difficult to gauge his true position. If he were hosting a house party, we’d guess that maybe he’d shut things down kind of early, but then let a few people stick around and toke up in the basement, provided they kept it a small enough group.

3. Greg Orman (I), Kansas

. at 0x7fa4ae9d0950>

Echoing his “fiscally responsible but socially tolerant” political stance, Orman gives his thoughts on raucous, all-night keggers on his official website: “I wouldn’t allow things to get too out of control—there’d be little patience for destructive behavior on my watch—but that said, I wouldn’t make a fuss if you were to light up a bowl in the living room or sneak away for a menage a trois on the coat pile.” Sounds like Orman wouldn’t support a truly insane rager, but he’d allow a pretty fun time nonetheless.

2. Natalie Tennant (D), West Virginia

. at 0x7fa4ae9d0950>

When announcing her candidacy for the Senate, Tennant made her position crystal clear to her supporters: “I am constantly down to rage.” She then proved it by chugging two beers at the same time. Point being, she’s ready to party until everyone is passed out on the lawn or projectile vomiting into the mailbox. By these particular metrics, she is an excellent candidate.

1. Rep. Cory Gardner (R), Colorado

There’s little doubt that this Colorado representative is perpetually ready to rage. He’s said as much on numerous occasions, once telling reporters that he was “cool with all kinds of depraved shit” and that, “If you’re not gonna get your security deposit back anyway, you might as well party as hard as you can.” And considering his aggressively pro-fracking stance, you can tell he’s definitely eager to fuck some shit up.