It’s a harsh truth of this world that you can’t trust anyone, and one poor bastard just learned the hard way that giving someone a chance only opens the door to betrayal: The oxalic acid present in kale is inhibiting this man’s absorption of the calcium he ate the goddamn kale for in the first place.
Judas Iscariot. Benedict Arnold. And now kale. Gutless fucking betrayers, the lot of them.
In recent weeks, 28-year-old Hector Frith has been trying to add a bit more calcium to his diet to increase his bone density, and innocent, trusting naif that he is, he thought throwing a bit of kale into his afternoon smoothie would be the perfect way to do it. The deceptive, pro-kale propaganda on the internet lured him in with fantastic promises of nutrient density, bandying about sensational claims that kale is a “superfood” with even more calcium per calorie than a glass of milk. And while this indoctrinating hype may bear some superficial truth, it conveniently omits kale’s inner duplicity, for hidden among that supposed bounty of calcium is oxalic acid, a nasty little saboteur working to inhibit Frith’s bodily absorption of that calcium like a dagger between his fucking ribs.
This cruciferous bitch would have rotted away on a supermarket shelf if Frith hadn’t taken it in with open arms, and this is how the ungrateful traitor repays him. You think he’s eating that bitter motherfucker for the taste? For the weird, fibrous texture it imparts to his smoothie? He was willing to overlook a lot of baggage kale brought with it on the condition of getting some calcium, and it still turned that oxalic acid on him like a schoolyard bully slapping a nerd’s cafeteria tray out of his hands. Sure, Frith technically could have broken down the oxalic acid by cooking the kale instead of blending it raw, but fuck anyone trying to shift responsibility off the rat who brought oxalic acid into the mix to begin with. And to anyone saying that kale actually has much less oxalic acid than spinach, and is thus one of the better leafy greens for adding calcium to one’s diet, let us ask you this: If you help out a stranger and they shoot you once in the leg, do you really think it exonerates them that some other asshole out there would have shot you twice?
Inhibiting calcium absorption is a dirty, low-down trick to pull on somebody who believes in you.
As if the hit to his body’s calcium absorption wasn’t bad enough, that perfidious bastard kale has gone ahead and twisted the knife—just taking away the calcium from Frith’s own fucking guts wouldn’t be enough, you see. No, because he really has to suffer for having ever trusted kale, some of that oxalic acid is also going to make its way into his bloodstream and then his kidneys, where it will bind with his precious calcium to make calcium oxalate, better known as the most common form of kidney stones. So while Frith’s brittle, bird-like bones are crumbling into powder from his inhibited calcium absorption, he’ll also get to enjoy shredding his urethra to ribbons with some jagged little shards, all courtesy of his good friend kale. Only then, once he’s broken and agonized and begging for death, will kale’s betrayal truly be complete.
God, it makes us furious seeing kale double-cross a guy like this. Here’s hoping that two-faced, deceitful snake in the grass kale gets everything that’s fucking coming to it!
