For decades, the Blue Man Group has delighted audiences around the globe with its offbeat artistry and electric live show, but today it went above and beyond for fans like never before: The performance-art group has announced that it will pay your bail if you get arrested for masturbating to Blue Man Group ads on the train.
These guys are standing by their fans, and we are here. For. It.
If you’ve ever spent a night in a cold cell because a cop caught you pleasuring yourself to a subway ad for the Blue Man Group, you can breathe a sigh of relief that those days are finally over. From now on, when you get taken downtown for succumbing to the carnal urges sparked by a glossy photo of blue men drumming on barrels of colorful neon liquid, the Blue Man Group will pony up the money for you to get out and sleep in your own bed.
“We have ads on trains, and we know our fans will touch their genitals because of that,” said the Blue Man Group in an official written statement posted to Blueman.com. “From our smooth, blue heads to our damp drums, it’s a simple fact of life that many train riders won’t be able to contain their lust upon seeing publicity materials for our show. We won’t let our fans be punished for something as natural as masturbating to us, so from here on out, we’re covering your bail. Whatever the amount, in whatever state, we will pay it in full. Being aroused by us is not a crime.”
You tell ’em, Blue Man Group!
Getting arrested for vigorously self-stimulating to a poster of painted bald men using PVC pipes like trombones can turn a normal train ride into a major inconvenience, but thankfully these iconic entertainers are using their earnings to make sure their fans get home safe. “Everybody does it,” said founding Blue Man Group member Chris Wink in a Facebook post on the subject. “When we perform in the theater, we turn down the lights and drum really loud specifically so people can masturbate. The front few rows even get ponchos. No way should anyone be jailed for finding us sexually irresistible just because they happen to be on a train. Hell, paying everyone’s bail costs us, what, $5 out of every ticket? That’s a small price to pay so our fans can just live their lives without getting hassled by the police.”
Pretty cool! Kudos to these legends for spreading the wealth around and remembering the fans who helped get them where they are.