This world is a harsh and unforgiving place, but thankfully one major restaurant chain is stepping up to teach our sons the toughness they’ll need to survive it: KFC is introducing a new dinner bucket with nothing but a hatchet and a single live hen for sensitive boys who need to learn what it takes to be a man.
What a great idea! That should help them grow a little backbone.
Plenty of meek, gentle-hearted boys are happy to eat fried chicken if the ugly business of taking another creature’s life is out of sight, out of mind, but fast food giant Kentucky Fried Chicken is refusing to coddle them any longer. Instead, they’ve rolled out a new ‘Road To Manhood’ dinner bucket containing only a sharp hatchet and a very much alive hen, in hopes that the ordeal of their first kill will blood the little softies into the ranks of true maturity. KFC understands that hunger is a powerful teacher, and they know that while the heft of the hatchet may feel strange and unnatural in the sensitive young lad’s hands at first, his trembling timidity will inevitably give way to a man’s resolve if it’s the only way to make the gnawing pain in his belly subside.
A delicate boy’s experience of the ‘Road To Manhood’ bucket will generally go like this: First, upon seeing the live chicken, he’ll immediately hug it and give it a cute little name like Beaky, or, if the boy is particularly sensitive, Lady Henrietta. Only after several minutes of watching his family chow down on their own fully cooked meals will he become suddenly aware of his growing hunger, and with it, the gleaming hatchet still resting handle-up in the dinner bucket. From here, the boy may either attempt to beg his way out of the situation or offer the hen a tearful little apology, but soon enough he’ll dry his eyes and make peace with the task before him. Because KFC has wisely made the hatchet just a little too light to let gravity do all the work alone, he’ll find that his first hesitating, non-committal cuts will only maim the chicken, forcing him to summon a man’s strength and perform a decisive killing blow to end the terrified animal’s spasming struggle for its life—that is, give or take a few more distressing minutes of the decapitated chicken flopping around blindly while geysers of blood spurt out from its neck stump.
Dinner and an important life lesson? KFC’s offering a pretty awesome deal here!
“It’s time for the little wuss in your family to sack up and put a bit of hair on his chest, and our ‘Road To Manhood’ dinner bucket is here to show him that sometimes a man can’t fill his belly until he’s filled his ears with the panicked shrieks of a dying animal,” said KFC in a press release announcing the new menu item, explaining that gagging on the nauseating metallic stench of the bird’s fresh blood will only make the boy’s first dinner as a man taste that much sweeter. “We offer a few suggestion nicknames like Cluckerella or Attila the Hen to help get your son started with the pivotal rite of passage of killing a beloved pet for food, but from there it falls entirely on him to carefully yank out handfuls of the bird’s hot, slimy guts and painstakingly rip out the feathers that just moments ago he was affectionately patting. He may not enjoy the long, gruesome process of dismantling his companion into cutlets and drumsticks, but we know you’ll love the results of your sensitive boy finally becoming a man!”
Wow, this dinner bucket takes customer service to a whole new level. Kudos to KFC for stepping up to help sensitive boys harden their hearts to the grim responsibilities expected of them in life!