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The 4 Least Contextualized People This 7-Year-Old Mentioned By Full Name In The Story He’s Telling Right Now

The story this seven-year-old kid is telling right now is a borderline incomprehensible shit-show, and for whatever reason it seems to involve at least four or five people with mysterious connections to his life who he’s mentioned by full name. We’re not sure who the hell they are, but here’s the full list of ‘em.

1. Helen Whitman

Helen Whitman figured in pretty early in the kid’s story, which seems to be loosely about a time his little sister threw up at the mall. For whatever reason, he decided to let us know that his mom saw Helen Whitman’s car in the mall parking lot that day, and also that Helen Whitman was “as tall as her husband.” He gave us absolutely no fucking clue as to who Helen Whitman was, or who her husband was for that matter, but apparently her car’s presence in the parking lot was supposed to be some sort of major plot point. Based on the old-sounding name, we think she might be elderly, but that’s pretty much all we’ve been able to deduce about her.

2. Callie Elephant

So, according to this kid, Callie Elephant “screamed bloody murder” when his sister threw up. That’s all he’s said about her. We’re pretty lost trying to figure out who she is and what connection she had to the incident. We guess it means she was at the mall with the kid and his family? But she’s not part of the family? Because her last name is Elephant?  If we’re being honest, we think that can’t possibly be her real last name. He had to have made that up because he thought it sounded cool. It’s probably Ellsworth or something. Anyway, she screamed, and we guess that’s all we’re getting.

3. Branson and Brayden Lamont (a.k.a. The Lamont Kids)

You really can’t stop this kid once he starts in on the Lamonts, and even more so The Lamont Kids, who he sometimes calls Branson and Brayden. He’s having a sleepover at the Lamont house tonight, so we’re guessing they’re family friends, but that theory is complicated by the fact that this kid has mentioned more than once that the Lamont house has “no toilets.” This came right after he explained that his little sister wears pull ups but still pees her pants sometimes—he didn’t even pause before saying “and you can’t pee anywhere at the Lamont house.” So they’re family friends who live in a hut? He seems to have no interest in clarifying things for us. 

4. Mario Batali

There had to have been a Mario Batali poster at the mall this kid went to, because there’s no other explanation for why he keeps saying “Mario Batali saw the whole thing.” The “WHOLE THING!” he said, right after he told us how his sister’s puke was neon blue because she ate a big bag of gushers the night before. It doesn’t totally make sense that the mall still had a Mario Batali ad up after his whole cancellation debacle, though. There’s also the possibility that his parents are big Mario Batali fans and watch him on TV at home, and the kid just saw a large red-haired man and decided it was him. At this point, we wouldn’t put it past this kid to have just made the Mario Batali thing up out of thin air—that’s how shitty his story has been so far. What could have been a 30-second explanation of a time his sister barfed in public now seems to include practically everyone he knows by first and last name, and he still isn’t finished. In fact, now he’s going on about how his mom is taking his sister to “Dr. Cleaners,” so wish us luck figuring out what the hell that’s supposed to mean.