A few years ago I bought a house that was located right in the middle of a golf course. I wanted to be able to watch golf through my window. The house cost me the entirety of my life savings from 25 years as a travel agent arranging vacations for people who like to visit movie theaters in different countries. I thought it would be great to live in a house on a golf course, but unfortunately the golf course is also home to a few miserable hags who live near the water hazard and make my life difficult. Some of them are worse than others. Here are the five miserable hags of the water hazard ranked by how much they make me regret spending my life savings to buy a house on a golf course.
5. Quiet Gretchen (Regret Ranking: 2 Frowns)
Out of all the miserable hags of the water hazard, Quiet Gretchen is definitely the easiest to get along with. She only leaves her hut at night to hunt for grubs and mushrooms to put in her potions. The only thing about Quiet Gretchen I really object to is that she mumbles all the time. When I’m going for my morning jog around the golf course, she’ll wave to me and start mumbling something. When I say, “Quiet Gretchen, speak up!” she just waves me over to her and then when I get close she leans in and whispers a bunch of potion facts I already know, like “Potions are a type of soup” and “Potions are a type of hot Gatorade.” It’s pretty annoying, but ultimately I can live with it.
4. Mrs. Devil (Regret Ranking: 4.5 Frowns)
The main thing about Mrs. Devil is that she loves the Devil. She walks around the golf course wearing a shirt that says “I’m Always Thinking About The Devil,” and her shirt has a picture of the Devil driving a convertible down a highway in the Arizona desert and speeding past Jesus, who’s hitchhiking on the side of the road. The shirt makes many of the golfers uncomfortable. Whenever I ask Mrs. Devil to put on a different shirt, she casts a spell on me that makes my car too small for me to fit inside of it. I’m not wild about her and she makes my life on the golf course worse.
3. The Fabulous Horrible (Regret Ranking: 7 Frowns)
The Fabulous Horrible lives at the bottom of the water hazard among the eels. Mostly I don’t see her, which is great. But sometimes, she’ll crawl out of the water to summon a demon. The Fabulous Horrible’s demon-summoning ritual is loud and obnoxious. She stands in the middle of the golf course banging pots and pans together until a demon comes out of the woods holding a trash bag and starts dumping garbage all over the place. The demon looks very scary. It has huge fangs and bright green skin and eight arms. When golfers ask the demon to stop dumping garbage everywhere, the demon turns them into a spider. I hate the Fabulous Horrible for bringing this demon onto my golf course. She makes me wish I had never bought a house on a golf course.
2. Dust (Regret Ranking: 500 Frowns)
Dust is one of the worst hags on the whole golf course. She lives in a windmill near the water hazard and she is always stealing golf balls from the golfers. This gets incredibly annoying because inevitably the golfers start knocking on my door and asking me to get their golf balls back from Dust. Then I have to go down to Dust’s windmill and ask her to give back the golf balls and Dust usually responds by using her hag magic to put a curse on me that makes me look ugly in every hat. Then I need to go back to the golfer’s and tell them Dust is keeping their golf balls and they always call me a coward and a traitor, which hurts my feelings. I hate Dust. I wish she would move to Colorado.
1. Sour Woman (Regret Ranking: 501 Frowns)
All of the miserable hags of the water hazard are an ordeal, but for my money the worst one is Sour Woman. Sour Woman does so many annoying things. One of the most annoying things she does is walk around the golf course setting golf carts on fire. She says that she’s starting the fires using an ancient spell, but I’ve seen her do it and all she does is dump lighter fluid on the golf carts before throwing a lit match on them. It’s not magic, it’s just regular boring arson. Another thing that Sour Woman does that is annoying is that she kidnaps golfers and sacrifices them to her strange and horrific gods so that her gods will reward her with coupons. She’ll grab a golfer, carry him back to her hut at the water hazard and kill him in front of a statue of a scary looking monster. Then coupons will start falling from the sky (a gift from the gods to reward Sour Woman for her sacrifice) and Sour Woman will walk around the golf course picking up the coupons. Most of the coupons that Sour Woman’s evil gods send down from the sky are for this frozen yogurt place that isn’t even open anymore. I am the one who suffers the most for Sour Woman’s behavior. The golfers are knocking on my door at all hours of the day and night to complain that Sour Woman keeps sacrificing people in exchange for coupons, and the coupons themselves start blowing all over the place and make the golf course look like a junkyard. If I had known that Sour Woman was going to be my neighbor, I would never have bought my house on the golf course, but now it’s too late.
