Since the dawn of time, God and his relative Jesus Christ have been locked in an endless struggle with the Devil. It is an eternal war between good and evil. This is how the war has gone: Every thousand years, the Devil makes a huge mess all over the floor and God sends his relative Christ to go mop it up. This has now happened on four separate occasions. Let’s revisit them now, those glorious battles between the Devil’s filth and Christ’s cleanliness: Here are four times Christ had to mop up after the Devil.
1. The Time A Coven Of Witches Summoned The Devil To Tip Over A Bucket Of Stew
One time in the 15th century, in a dark hut deep in the Black Forest of Germany, a coven of witches had a big pot of stew boiling atop a flame. They slit the throat of a goat they had stolen from a nearby farm and used the blood of the stolen goat to draw a pentagram on the ground beside their cauldron. They chanted dark words in an evil, forgotten language and a flaming chasm opened up in center of the pentagram. From the chasm, the Devil clawed his way out of Hell and into our mortal realm. The witches shrieked with delight as their dark master the Devil climbed out of Hell. The Devil then walked over to the pot of stew and slowly tipped it over so that all the stew spilled all over the ground. The witches cackled and high-fived each other and high-fived the Devil and then the Devil climbed back into Hell again.
A few hours later, Christ showed up with his mop and his bucket of suds. He looked at the stew that had spilled all over the floor and said, “What a fucking mess. I fucking hate the Devil.” Then Christ spent the next two hours mopping up the stew while the witches watched him awkwardly.
2. The Time The Devil Possessed A Man And Made Him Spin Around So Much He Threw Up
Once there was an honest man named Roger whose job was to smile at sad people. Everyone loved Roger because he never lied and when he smiled at people they felt wonderful and clean. Unfortunately, the Devil heard about Roger and said to himself, “I’d like to be evil to that guy.” So the Devil possessed Roger’s body and made him spin around and around over and over until Roger threw up all over the floor. Then the Devil left Roger’s body and went back to Hell.
When Roger regained control of his body, he didn’t know what to do, so he just stood around next to the mess he had made on the floor, waiting. A few hours later, Christ showed up with his mop and his bucket of suds. He saw the vomit on the floor and muttered, “I’m so sick of the Devil.” Christ mopped up the mess on the floor while Roger watched him. When Christ was done, Roger smiled at Christ and Christ said, “Thanks, Roger,” but it didn’t actually make him feel any better.
3. The Time The Devil Was Sprinting To His Dentist Appointment And He Knocked Over A Fish Tank
One time the Devil was hanging out in Hell making people miserable when he looked at his watch and realized he was already 20 minutes late for his dentist appointment in Glasgow, Scotland. The Devil climbed out of Hell and started sprinting through the streets of Glasgow as fast as he could, screaming, “Get out of my way! I am the Devil!” He was smacking pedestrians out of his path with his pitchfork and goring them with his pointy red horns because his dentist was very strict and if he missed the appointment he was going to get billed for the full hour. In his haste, the Devil ran headlong into a guy who was carrying a tank full of tropical fish to his local bar to impress women. The man fell over and the fish tank smashed on the sidewalk, sending water and flailing, gasping fish everywhere. The Devil said, “Watch where you’re going! Don’t you know I’m the Devil?” before getting up and continuing to sprint toward his dentist’s office.
A few hours later, Christ showed up with his mop and his bucket of suds. He saw all the dead fish all over the sidewalk and muttered, “The Devil belongs in prison,” before proceeding to mop everything up. The Devil ended up making it to his dentist appointment on time and the dentist gave the Devil a sticker in the shape of a smiling tooth because he had no cavities.
4. The Time The Devil Cut A Hole In The Pocket Of A Woman Carrying Sand Around
Once there was a woman named Cindy who inherited a big pile of sand from her deceased uncle. She decided that she would deposit the sand in the bank, so she scooped a bunch of the sand into her pockets and went off into town. While she was standing in line waiting to talk to the bank teller, the Devil snuck out of Hell with a pair of scissors. He smiled an evil smile and then cut a hole in Cindy’s pocket. The sand fell out of her pocket and went everywhere. Cindy screamed and then went home to take a nap, and the Devil went back to Hell.
A few hours later, Christ showed up with his mop and his bucket of suds. He saw the pile of sand on the ground and muttered, “One of these days I’m going to give the Devil the spanking he deserves.” Then Christ mopped up the sand while the bank customers looked on impatiently. This was the most recent time that the Devil made a mess on the ground for Christ to mop up, but it certainly won’t be the last. The Devil is always lurking in the shadows, waiting to dump goos and slimes on the ground so that God’s relative Christ will have to mop it up. All we can do to prepare for the next mess is to stay vigilant and remain steadfast in our prayers.
