The fallout of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian’s divorce has been a spectacle with no shortage of public drama, bitter press statements, and new love interests complicating the situation even further. Unfortunately for Ye, he’s just taken the biggest L of the entire ordeal: Mr. Bean just texted Kanye a video of himself having goofy sex with Kim Kardashian.
Earlier today, Kanye was busy in the studio with Travis Scott and Future when he suddenly received a video message from Mr. Bean without any context or accompanying texts. After pressing play, Kanye’s face contorted with outrage and confusion as he watched the footage of a scrawny, nude, white man with a turkey on his head motorboating his ex-wife.
Only after Kim yanked the turkey off the man’s head—resulting in a wet POP that sent Kim flying backwards across the room onto a Murphy bed, which then sprung back up vertically against the wall with Kim still in it—did Kanye realize that the man in the video was none other than Mr. Bean himself, having goofy sex with Kanye’s ex-wife. According to sources in the studio who saw the footage, Mr. Bean looked directly into the camera with a grin, his fingertips excitedly wiggling, then raced over to begin several failed attempts at freeing Kim from Murphy bed, accidentally folding her back into the wall no fewer than six times.
Producers did their best to calm Kanye, who allegedly began storming around the booth and shouting about how Bean was a “fake friend,” his eyes glued on the video as it reached a part in which Mr. Bean became flustered putting on a condom and ended up with his whole leg stuck inside it. Kanye was said to have held out hope that Bean’s ineptitude with the contraceptive meant Kim and Bean’s silly intercourse wouldn’t go any further, but that hope was short-lived.
Around the 11 minute mark of the footage, Bean got the condom on by having Kim hold it open as he dove onto it from atop several precariously stacked chairs next to the bed, bonking his head on a ceiling light fixture and electrocuting himself in the process.
By the time Ye watched London’s most socially inept mute guy maneuver a teddy bear’s arms to investigate and poke at Kim’s buttocks, appearing unsure what to make of it, the session was chalked up as a loss. Sources say Kanye was no longer in any condition to make music.
“How could she do this to me—the mother of my children!” Kanye exclaimed as he slumped to the floor, unable to believe his ex would share such wacky intimacy with Mr. Bean. The hip-hop artist’s friends say his heart hit rock bottom only when a baffled, nervous Bean treated penetration like he was dipping his toe in a swimming pool he was afraid to dive into—his facial expressions morphing from fear, to curiosity, to pleasant surprise, to foolishly over-the-top pleasure once he finally got the hang of it.
Thankfully for Kanye, the video ended soon after that, as Mr. Bean and Kim both finished at the same time—Bean’s face dropping in horror as Kim moaned and writhed in ecstasy, under the impression he’d done something wrong. The final seconds of the footage show Bean then tip-toeing out of the room and sprinting into the street in broad daylight, completely nude.
Oof. That is the last thing Kanye needed to see right now.
The sight of Kim basking in Mr. Bean’s grunting, wiggling, and socially unconventional sexual behavior are going to be living Kanye’s head for a long, long time. Let’s hope he can move on from Kim soon, otherwise their split is only guaranteed to be an even longer, more painful process for everyone involved. Hang in there, Ye!